


Exhale

by ausfil



Category: Westlife
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Babysitting, Best Friends, Bisexual Male Character, Boys In Love, Brain Surgery, Children, Crying, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Fatherhood, Financial Issues, Fluff, Getting to Know Each Other, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Love, M/M, Male Friendship, Marvel References, Medical, Medical Inaccuracies, Nurses, Parent-Child Relationship, Single Parents, Surgery, there are only like one and a half sex scenes though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 19:13:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15825201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ausfil/pseuds/ausfil
Summary: Shane lives and breathes for his daughter. It had always been them against the world.But when he finds out she has a brain tumour, her precious life at stake, it feels like the world really is against them.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> MEDICAL INACCURACIES. I’m pretty sure I made some things up with the hospitalisation details and the medical details.
> 
> POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS in the tags

Shane felt like he was going to vomit on his daughter’s head if he had to go on another ride. He had a bit too much of artificial flavoured snow cones and a horrible hot dog that was minutes away from coming back up. Mark looked a little sick too, while Kian was as lively as all the kids were, looking around with puppy eyes.

“Daddy, that one! I want to ride that one!” Nicole tugged at Shane’s hand with a smile that he could never say no to.

“That one?” Shane looked up at it. Plastic seats spinning. Kids screaming. Fuck.

“Sweetie,” Kian Egan, the saviour, “do you want to ride it with me? Daddy and Uncle Mark can stay here and watch.”

Nicole jumped in agreement and ran off with Kian’s hand in a heartbeat.

“Urgh, thank god.” Shane plonked down on a bench next to his friend. Waved back when Nicole waved from the line, and got Kian’s wink. Although that was probably meant for Mark. “You said he was studying to be a teacher, right?” Mark nodded. “No wonder. He’s great with kids. He seems like a good lad.”

“Kian? Yeah.” A stupid smile was smeared across Mark’s lips. “It’s been really great. Three months now. I know it’s a bit early but I’m just… so happy, you know?” Shane just smiled looking at the flower blossoming in Mark’s eyes.

He wondered how incredible that felt. Happiness. Love. Being wanted. It had been far too long since Shane even got the chance to have a peek at what those things would feel like. Not that he had any space for that fairy tale in his life.

“You deserve it. I’m happy for you.”

He really was. He had known Mark since they were innocent kids, and ever since then, when Mark was happy, it felt like he was happy too. They’d always considered each other as soulmates and had pictured themselves in rocking chairs in their eighties, talking shit about their spouses and laughing like they were twelve years old again. If that was worth anything, Shane knew what Mark deserved, and Kian seemed like _it_ so far.

“You deserve it too, you know.” The look in Mark’s eyes was too much. The genuine heart swimming in pity and love for his friend. Shane looked away with an attempt at a smile.

“It might be too late for me. But it’s fine.”

“What do you mean ‘too late’? Shane, you’re only twenty-two.”

“Yeah. Twenty-two with a kid. She’s only five.” He looked up at the ride, at Nicole sitting beside Kian with a huge grin on her face. The one thing that he couldn’t fuck up in his life. He would give up his every breath for her to smile every day. It wasn’t even a question worth asking.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t have your own life.”

“It kind of does, to be honest.” Shane sighed. Mark just didn’t get it, really. It wasn’t his fault. Mark was trying to be caring but _having your own life_ didn’t come as easy for a young single father who could barely take off work to treat his daughter to a day at Tayto Park. “It’s fine. She _is_ my life.”

Mark held back a sigh, but he didn’t have anything to say when he saw the way Shane was looking up at his daughter. It was like he only had eyes for her. Everything else in the world could fuck off. “She’s lucky to have you.”

“Thanks.” Shane tapped Mark’s thigh, got a smile in return. “There’s some leftover sandwich ham in the fridge for tomorrow.”

***

Shane didn’t know how he fell into this job. Handing out flyers and being ignored by half the people on the pathway wasn’t exactly a dream job of his, but dreams shot themselves out the window five years ago when the world’s littlest, most precious hand wrapped around his thumb.

They had moved houses after getting kicked out of the old one. Couldn’t deal with anymore of the late rent payments, apparently. The landlady had always been a bitch. The new place was smaller but nice enough. It was also closer to Mark’s place and to a local preschool. Nicole hadn’t seemed too upset about the change, and that was the most important thing. His _dream_ didn’t matter. It belonged in children’s books along with fairies and unicorns. Flyering was good enough.

He was about halfway through the second pile of flyers when he looked down at his watch. 4:05 PM. Nicole would be yapping away about her day at school in Mark’s car by now, asking what Mark was going to make her for the afternoon snack.

Mark was one of those friends that only appeared in movies. Those unreal people with unreal hearts of gold, like Sam from The Lord of the Rings. Shane was merely the Frodo, he believed. Asking Mark to be Nicole’s godfather didn’t even need a second thought. And five years later, when Mark would only take morning shifts at the hotel kitchen he worked at, just so he could pick Nicole up from school while Shane handed out juice discounts, Shane didn’t know what kingdom he saved in his past life to deserve him.

Nor did he know whose life he fucked over to always come home to a barely locking door. Though, he got used to it over time. Actually learnt to appreciate it.

The dimly lit hallway with chipping paint was something that Shane never expected to find a sense of home in when they first moved in, but clocking off at half five in the afternoon and knowing that Nicole was waiting for him, it became the only thing he looked forward to. To walk under those little flickering lights and to turn the rusty key.

As soon as he opened the door, he saw Mark in the kitchen, Nicole sitting on the floor and fisting a crayon, her blue eyes lighting up when they spotted him.

“Daddy!” She jumped up and Shane chucked his bag aside to lift her up in his arms, a soft butterfly kiss on her cheek.

“Hi! How was your day, love?”

And she rambled on for five minutes, face reddening from all the oxygen escaping her but she wouldn’t stop. Shane had to remind her to breathe for a minute. When she finally seemed like she was done talking, she asked to be let down to go back to her drawing of… a tree, apparently. So she wasn’t going to be an artist in the future. Shane went to the kitchen and kissed his friend on the cheek.

“I swear she’s going to run out of oxygen one day.”

“Yeah, I suffered that the entire car ride. Your turn.” Mark snickered, still in front of the pan. “I already fed Nicole. Grab a plate.”

“Is that mac and cheese?”

“Yeah. Just heating it up for you.”

“What happened to the sandwiches?” Shane fetched a plate and a fork.

“Oh, yeah, the ham was expired. Um, and Nicole wanted mac and cheese so we went out and bought ingredients.”

“Right,” Shane carefully nodded. “Sorry about that. Let me pay you back.”

“Don’t worry, I got it. I felt like mac and cheese as well. So my treat.”

Shane pursed his lips. He felt about the size of his shoe.

If Mark noticed it, he didn’t say anything. That was probably a good thing. He just put the filled plate on the table and led Shane to sit down, an askew smile on his lips. Shane didn’t say anything further. He obliged, Mark sitting across him as he devoured the food.

“Slow down, silly,” Mark got him a cup of water as well, “you’ll choke yourself to death.”

“Mate, I’ve had nothing all day.”

Mark went to open his mouth. Probably another lecture on how he should be eating lunch when they gave him the half-hour break, how saving a couple dollars a day wasn’t worth it if he was starving out there until he clocked off. Shane couldn’t recall how many times he’d heard the same repertoire of words over the years. He appreciated it, of course he did, but Mark was one stubborn caring idiot.

“Don’t.” Shane got there first. Mark looked a little crestfallen. “I should eat – I know. And I will.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Yeah, no, I won’t,” Mark rolled his eyes through a helpless laugh, “It’s fine. I’ll survive.” He smiled, and was kind of glad when Mark’s phone rang to help him out. He didn’t have a line of defence planned, exactly.

“Oh. Sorry. One sec.” A grin lit up his face when he saw the name on his phone. “Kian, hey. How are you?”

Shane pulled a face at the way Mark looked ridiculously giddy listening to Kian describe his day, and he got a middle finger in return before Mark stepped out to the balcony, a cigarette pack in his hand. He took a glance at Nicole. At the land of superhero fights with Iron Man and Spider-Man clashing at each other while she voiced explosion noises. He smirked to himself and took another mouthful of the mac and cheese.


	2. Two

Work was going pretty well. Shane had handed out his first few piles easily and before he knew it, he was already on his last one. Who didn’t want a ‘buy one get one free’ orange juice?

“Hello, we have-“ the man just took the flyer without even looking at him, which he could live with. At least it was out there. That’s what mattered. He got rid of a few more before he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He couldn’t answer it though. His boss was right across the street with her own pile.

He didn’t even know who it could be. Not many people called him. Mark, probably. But Mark knew he only took the occasional text messages when he was at work. The vibrating didn’t stop though. A few pauses here and there where he suspected a hang up, but they kept coming. One after another. An ominous shadow clutched at his chest.

A shrill voice was screaming at him in his head to answer the goddamn call.

Fucking answer it.

Okay.

“Elaine!” He waved to the opposite side, got her attention. He fished his phone out and pointed at it, trying to look as desperate as possible. “Can I just make a quick phone call?!”

She nodded. Bless her. He looked at the screen.

**Mark Feehily. 16 missed calls.**

**Kian Egan. 11 missed calls.**

Fuck. The ominous shadow took over his entire chest and threatened to cling onto his brain.

The tips of his fingers were shaking as he called back. Mark picked up almost instantly. That wasn’t a good sign. Not in this context.

“Mark? Is everything okay?”

“Um. Hey.” The tears in Mark’s voice made his heart sink. “I need you to come… Now. Please.”

***

Puffing and feeling his chest swell under fragile skin, Shane ran past the big red cross and straight inside, asked for Nicole Filan’s room. When he got there, Nicole was already asleep on the bed, her hands wrapped around her plush superhero doll, her delicate arms stringed to tubes. Mark had his fingers in her hair, smoothing them to one side and watching with rheumy eyes, and Kian’s hand was on his shoulder. A heavy tent of air engulfed them all in a millisecond.

“What happened?” Shane’s voice was trembling through a whisper and Mark couldn’t bring himself to look up.

“She just… We were mucking around and playing hide and seek, and I was hiding. I heard her get to seven. Ehm.” The pressure in Mark’s throat increased as he recalled. “There was a thud and I… She was on the floor.”

Shane felt his heart dump against his feet. She looked so small underneath Mark’s touch. Like she could snap in half in the middle of a deep sleep’s breath. Tears pricked at his eyes.

“She’s going to take some tests tomorrow so don’t worry too much yet. She’ll be okay.” Mark finally looked up, reaching out a hand that Shane grabbed onto, the grip a bit too feeble. “It’s going to be okay.”

That wasn’t consoling at all. Shane couldn’t _breathe._ Mark’s voice would usually help him to calm down. Always. But not this time.

“Right, I just… I need….” The words stumbled to a stop with his chest becoming too full and too tight, and next thing he knew, his feet were leading him out. He couldn’t be in this room. He needed to be somewhere that wasn’t here. Fucking anywhere in the entire universe but _here_. His feet found a flight of stairs. Okay.

“Go. I’ll stay with her.” Mark didn’t even have the time to thank Kian. He ran straight out and followed the sound of quickening footsteps ahead of him.

It led him to the roof. Shane sat leaning against the wall, a hand clutched in his hair and head hung low. Mark sighed and sat down beside him, listening to quiet sobs drowning out the night sky. The wind was gentle. A wave blew through their hair, a soft touch in a kind attempt to console Shane and blow away his tears.

“It’s all my fault.” Shane finally spoke, and that unsteady voice tore Mark apart.

“It’s not.”

Shane sniffed and lifted his head to wipe his face with his sleeve. “If she had met more competent parents, she wouldn’t be here right now. I’m failing. Of course it’s my fault, like.”

“Stop it, Shane. You’re not failing.” Mark draped his arms around the man, over trembling flesh, and a soft kiss brushing against his temple as the cherry on top. “Did you make her sick? No. Did you want her to be sick? No. So it’s not on you.”

Shane had a moment of silence before he looked up. Mark didn’t think he could look at his friends’ eyes for too long. The eviscerating fear, the hurt carved into those pupils, he couldn’t handle that without breaking down himself.

“So… you think she’s sick?” Shane croaked.

Mark’s throat clumped. He was dangerous seconds away from breaking. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “We’ll find out soon. But she could have just been dehydrated or something, you know?”

Shane nodded. Didn’t look convinced or comforted the slightest, but he didn’t speak further. He just curled up towards Mark, craving some sort of warmth, and Mark held him for as long as he was needed, then some more.

***

Mark had left in the A.M. and promised to come back as soon as he finished his shift, and Shane had been wide awake ever since, listening to Nicole’s peaceful breaths, counting them like sheep.

He wished time would stop. If there was one chance for every man to ask God for just _one_ thing in a lifetime, he would wish for time to stop right this second. Nicole was sleeping peacefully, swimming in whatever sunshine dream she was having. She wouldn’t need to take those tests, and he wouldn’t need to know what was wrong with her. Because he didn’t know if he could take it. Just the sheer thought that she could _potentially_ be sick, the tips of his fingers would tremble. So ceasing time would be a huge favour here, but of course, religion never worked that way.

Nicole slowly opened her eyes and Shane put on a smile like a muscular tic.

“Hey. Morning, princess. How are you feeling?” He sat on the edge of her bed, stroking the side of her face.

She said she was sleepy through a yawn, then asked if she could watch TV. Of course she could. He turned on the morning cartoons, held onto a little hand throughout the moving colours that seemed black and white, until Nicole was fetched for her tests.

She didn’t seem too nervous about going into the scans, and Shane didn’t know if that was weird or not. Maybe she just didn’t know what was going on and decided to go with the flow. He wasn’t going to bring it up if she seemed okay with it. His own heart was about to burst waiting outside the test rooms.

“Hi,” a voice spoke to him and he looked up from his feet. Was met with a friendly smile that decorated jolly red cheeks. “I didn’t get a chance to meet you yesterday. I’m your daughter’s designated doctor. Louis Walsh.” The man put forward a hand that he shook.

“I’m Shane. Thank you so much, Doctor.”

“Oh please. Just call me Louis. I hate all the formalities.” Louis waved his hand around and chuckled at himself. Shane liked him instantly. “And this,” he gestured at the young man following him around with a clipboard, “is Nicholas. Student nurse. You’ll be seeing him a lot as well.”

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you. And Nicky’s fine.” Nicky stuck out a confident hand and Shane returned it.

“The results will come out tomorrow so I’ll see you then.”

Shane thanked him again.

***

When Nicky came to grab Shane for the results, Mark had offered to go with him but it was family only, apparently. As if Mark wasn’t family. He took a deep breath and followed Nicky. He was met with a half-smile from Louis and a sombre “sit, Shane”. An ominous fire lit up Shane’s spine. And that fire was not wrong when Louis opened his mouth.

The world burnt down.

“Wait, I don’t… understand. Are you… B… brain tumour?”

The doctor nodded.

“I… Are you sure? Can that even happen with kids, like?”

“Unfortunately, yes. It can.” Louis turned the desktop monitor around. Black and white spots that he didn’t even want to know what they entailed. “The tumour,” Louis pointed with the end of his pen, “I’m afraid is in a difficult position; near the spinal cord. There’s about a sixty percent chance we’ll be able to remove it through surgery. Maybe seventy.”

Shane thought maybe he heard it wrong. There was no way the man just said _sixty_. That wasn’t fucking acceptable. That wasn’t fucking good enough.

“Sorry, did you say sixty percent?” Shane frowned when Louis nodded. He felt his face burning up. Sixty percent. What a load of shit. “Sixty? Are you kidding me?”

“Shane, it’s a part of my job to deliver the truth. I’m sorry.” Louis didn’t look sorry. He didn’t look sorry at all. He didn’t even look like he was in a remote resemblance of pain. Nowhere near as much as the pain in Shane’s heart, pure blood spurting over his entire soul. “If the spinal cord is damaged, she could be paralysed. It’s very sensitive. It’s a complicated procedure.”

Paralysed. Fucking _paralysed_. Shane couldn’t even cry.

Then Louis started to talk about the types of brain tumours. The surgery procedures. Hospitalisation procedures.

It was all gibberish.

Nicole… She could live the rest of her life not knowing what the grass felt like anymore. Not knowing how to draw her favourite pictures and to hug and to take a stroll through the park with him after dinner. Her precious life that Shane sacrificed his own to protect. The life that she knew; it could be gone, and the worst part was that there was nothing he could do to take her pain away.

***

Shane never knew how heavy his feet were until he stalked back to the hospital room. If he crossed the other side of this door, he would have to smile. Nicole would look up at him and ask to play like nothing was wrong in the world.

And Mark. Mark would sit there torturing himself because he knew better. Because he knew the hints on Shane’s face like the back of his hand. Shane took a deep breath, wiped his eyes, and manufactured a smile on his lips before opening the door.

Mark looked at him within a second. He already knew. He could tell with a single tic of that fake smile. “Hey,” Mark carefully uttered.

“Hey.” Shane clapped his shoulder and gave Nicole a kiss as she smiled up at her. Usually, that smile would be the light of his life. But now, it only hurt like the sharpest dagger in his heart. “You were brave doing those tests, darling. I think someone deserves a lolly.”

She looked excited. “Can we go to the shop downstairs?”

“Of course. I’ll race you. Give you a head start.”

Nicole darted up and was already out the door with an echo of determined steps.

“Wait,” Mark clasped his wrist. “It’s… it’s bad news, isn’t it?”

“I’ll tell you later.” Shane tried to pull out, but Mark’s grip was sturdy. He felt a little urge to punch Mark in the face. Or anything in its element.

“Just tell me now.“

“Later,” he repeated, tone lowered.

“Shay-“

“Mark, please! I can’t right now. Okay? I fucking _can’t_.” Shane didn’t realise he was raising his voice until Mark flinched. He took a deep breath to calm his palpitating heart, which didn’t work at all.

“Okay.” Mark shrunk into an unsatisfied nod.

“I’m sorry. I’ll tell you soon. I promise.” He whispered as he leaned up to kiss Mark’s trembling cheek. “What are you waiting for? You wanna lose a race to a five year-old? Come on.” Shane held out a hand, and Mark grabbed onto it tighter than usual, following Nicole’s footsteps.

***

They settled on the bench outside the confectionary store, Nicole sat in between the two men, a chubby lip housing an orange lollipop.

“So um, Nicole.” Shane started.

He didn’t know how to even say this. You have a brain tumour, darling. You could be paralysed, darling. They could fuck up the surgery and you might not be able to move anymore, darling. Shane was choking up already, and Mark was looking at him with eyes that were the most scared Shane had ever seen them in years of friendship. Blue eyes trembling and blackening. Lips bitten. That didn’t help.

“Do you remember Louis from yesterday?”

“Yeah! I like Louis. He’s funny.”

“He sure is.” Bastard. “He um, he showed me the test results today. You’re… you’re a bit, uh…” Shane looked at Mark instead. His face was crumpling with every syllable Shane was uttering, and Shane’s throat had never closed up this much before. He swallowed hard and looked back down at his child. Innocent eyes so big and beautiful. “You’re a bit unwell, he says.”

“Unwell?” Mark spoke up for the first time since leaving the hospital room. The spot in between his eyebrows crinkled. “What do you mean by _unwell_?”

“Mark, please-“

“No. Tell me. What does ‘unwell’ mean? Why is she unwell?”

“Love, I said I’ll tell you late-“

“Shane.” Mark wasn’t going to back down any further.

Shane sighed. Felt words of bullets being caught at his throat and refusing to come out, but felt the stronger pull of Mark’s eyes overtake his soul. He looked at Nicole again who frowned in confusion. It was somehow a little easier than looking at Mark. “Sweetie, there’s this thing called a brain tumour.”

Mark swore underneath his breath and stropped away without a single look back. Shane felt his heart break as he watched Mark walk away further, head down and steps getting faster.

“Is Mark okay?”

“Mark’s okay.” Shane used all his might to swallow down the tears that threatened him. He didn’t want to cry in front of Nicole. Not now, not ever. “So Louis said you’ll need to stay here for a while. Is that alright?”

She nodded without much thought.

Shane didn’t say any more than that. Not for now, at least. He didn’t know if there was ever a possible way to tell her. He let her go back to her lollipop.

***

Kian sounded lovely on the phone, until Mark delivered the news. That precious voice started wavering, listening to his boyfriend cry on the phone, but he tried to stay strong. Offered words of support that didn’t help much. It was still nice though. Mark eventually stopped crying, then Kian had to go back to class and Mark was left alone again on the park bench that he had stormed off too earlier.

He thought about the first time he met Shane. He was at most eight years old, and Shane was the popular boy in the playground that always used to lead a game of tag during lunch times. Mark had wanted to be friends with him so bad. So he’d brought his dad’s homemade muffin to school one day, walked up to him with courage that he somehow mustered up, and offered it.

“Do you like blueberry muffins?” Mark had asked, trying so hard not to blush.

“I love blueberry muffins,” Shane had answered. Then he let Mark join in on their game of tag.

Next thing they knew, they were going to high school together. They were signing up for school musicals together and getting drunk with beer that Shane sneaked from his fridge, talking about their bright futures and how they were going to own mansions all over the world one day.

They also had to grow up together when they weren’t ready to grow up.

It was the final year of high school, and Shane had called him one night, voice low and trembling, asked if he could stay over at his place for a few days. Of course he could. When Shane turned up to Mark’s house just ten minutes later, a backpack on him and a piercing clear handprint on his cheek, Mark didn’t take a beat to pull him into a hug. Shane was sobbing on his shoulder, too many breaths trying to rush out of him at once.

“Shay, what happened?”

“Dad kicked me out of the house.” He had barely been able to make that out in between those heaves of tears.

“What? Why?”

“I got a girl pregnant.” Mark felt his heart drop to the floor. “I… I’m gonna be a dad, Mark. I’m not ready to be a dad.”

At seventeen, Shane’s life had changed forever, and Mark vowed that he was going to help with every step along the way. That’s what friends did. Shane’s father had come to pick him up again the day after.

Then nine months later, the dearest first breath was taken.

Mark remembered the first time Nicole smiled up at him. He couldn’t ever forget that with the life of him. A picture-perfect memory that was actual sunlight. Even brighter. It lit up his heart in a similar way to the first time he met Shane, and when Shane had asked him to be her godfather, he had said yes in a heartbeat.

Thank god for that blueberry muffin.

And to think that that same sunlight was clouding, had something in her brain that was eating away at it, Mark didn’t know what to do. He wanted to hear Kian’s voice. He wanted to hold Nicole’s hand. He wanted to erase Shane’s sorrows and hug him.

But he wasn’t ready to face any of them, because that made it too real.


	3. Three

Shane woke to the sound of Nicole’s soft laughter which was easily the best alarm. He got up from the stiff couch and a stretch didn’t help much, but Nicole saying “daddy!” certainly did.

“That couch is horrible, isn’t it?” Shane looked up with his half-lidded eyes after he kissed his daughter’s head. Oh. Nicky.

“It is a bit, yeah.” Shane chuckled.

“Yeah. Sorry. I’ll see if I can get you fluffier blankets or something at least.” Nicky smirked, then turned to his equipment. Wrapped something around Nicole’s arm. “Alright, I just need to check her blood pressure. Stay still for me, love.” And she did exactly that, until Nicky disassembled it. “How are you feeling this morning? Are you dizzy at all?”

Nicole shook her head.

“Does your head hurt? Feeling any warmer than usual?” No, and no. Nicky smiled at her and bopped her nose. That was pretty. Then he told her about the nurse call button on the side of her bed and rewarded another bop when she understood it. “Good girl. Shane, you need anything?”

“I’m alright. Thanks, buddy.”

Nicky winked at him with a nod. Shane shyly smiled back. Nicole almost looked sad when Nicky rolled out with his crate, but looked happy enough again as she reached for her Iron Man doll.

“Where’s Mark?” she asked, a cloud of worry shading her bright eyes.

“Um, I don’t know, actually.” Shane fished out his phone. There were no new messages, despite the lot he sent Mark last night. He swallowed a heavy sigh.

“Mark looked sad yesterday. It made me sad too.” The corners of her lips were drooped, and Shane hid his own, brushed a kiss on one of those corners instead.

“It’s because he loves you so much.” He raked her soft hair, felt her lean into his touch. “He was upset that you’re sick, because he cares about you and loves you, but he’ll be alright. You don’t need to worry about him. Okay?”

Nicole nodded. It didn’t seem to make her any happier about it though. “Are you going to work today?”

“No, I’m going to stay with you all day.” That seemed to do it. She bounced on her bed for a bit and let him step outside to make that phone call. Just barely.

They were understanding when he told them he couldn’t come in - family emergency - and even more when he said he’ll explain more in person tomorrow. His boss was never a dick. She was always understanding and it meant more than ever right now.

He hung up and sat himself down on the chair just outside their room. Had never felt this lost before, like every second was leading up to hell and he couldn’t do anything to stop the fire from engulfing them. The moment he stepped back into that room, he had to put on a smile. He had to tell the poor child that all was good. All was fine.

It was not fucking fine.

With a sigh, he buried his face in his hands. Felt it tremble a little against his cheeks. He would need to talk to Louis tomorrow about surgery procedures again and he wasn’t sure if he could do it. Not when Louis didn’t seem hurt by this at all. Not when Nicole was waiting for him to come back strong. Not when Mark wasn’t there to hold his hand and hug him after. Not when he felt like his bones were snapping every passing minute.

He still hadn’t heard from Mark. Had given up on trying to call him. All he could do was wait on his own. He got it though. He really did. Mark was practically Nicole’s second father all her life, and to be hit with this boulder wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.

He had to wait.

“Hey, buddy,” Shane felt a hand on his shoulder, and when he looked up he was hoping it was Mark. It wasn’t, but this wasn’t bad either.

“Nicky. Hey.” Nicky sat himself down beside the man, that perpetual affable smile making him feel at ease.

“Rough couple days, huh?”

“Yeah,” Shane looked down at his hands and let out a shallow sigh, “I’ll be alright though.”

“You know, it’s okay to not be alright once in a while. Especially now with all this. It’s pretty heavy stuff.”

Shane looked up at that; into eyes that gently knocked on his façade and asked it to fold for a minute. He allowed himself a small smile, felt a bit of tension leave his shoulders as he moulded to the shape of the chair. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” He put a supportive hand on Shane’s knee and squeezed it. “How’s she taking everything? Did you tell her yet?”

He shook his head. “I just told her that she’s unwell and has to stay at the hospital for a bit.” He chewed on words for a bit and pulled out another worry that had been eating him. “Um. She’s… like, not asking any questions though. She’s not asking why she’s sick or how long she needs to stay or anything like that. Is that normal?”

“There’s no typical _normal_ to that. It depends on the kid. Some want to know everything. Some just don’t know what’s happening half the time. And some of them are subconsciously afraid to find out. In denial. They’re human too.” Shane nodded along. “So I wouldn’t worry about it too much. She’ll deal with it in her own time when you tell her. I’m more worried about how you’re doing.”

Shane averted his gaze. “I’ll manage.”

The hand on him squeezed again and that was better than a hug. “You will. And look, Louis knows what he’s doing. I’ve only been here for a month but the man’s a medical genius. You can trust him.”

“Right. I will.”

Nicky hummed in support and tapped his knee before standing up. “I should get going, but if you need anything, you know which button to press.”

“Yeah. Thanks again.”

Nicky nodded with curved lips.

***

Louis was talking too fast. Shane stared blankly at the screen, watching Louis wave around his pen and explain how the surgery would work. He nodded along, trying not to break down in tears.

“How much would this cost?”

The number Louis called made Shane’s heart drop and splatter across the cold floor.

“What um…” He scratched the back of his head, swallowed down another tank of threatening tears. “What happens if I don’t… have that much?”

“Does she have health insurance?” Shane shook his head, and Louis pursed his lips for a minute. He felt like the smallest man on the planet. “Any other ways you can do it? Other family members maybe, that can help out. Nicole’s grandparents?”

“No, uh they’re not… here. They…” Shane trailed off to a shrug. Louis pursed his lips again. A careful nod.

“Well, the government does cover some of the bills, and there is a cap for hospital stay so that’ll help, but we do require a deposit before the surgery.”

“And if I can’t get the deposit in in time… what happens then?”

“We can’t start the surgery procedures until you do. I’m sorry. That’s the policy we have.”

Shane nodded and thanked him. Said that he would figure out a way as soon as possible. He wasn’t sure if they believed him, but they accepted it anyway. He wasn’t sure if he believed himself either, but there was no other option.

***

The hospital coffee wasn’t too bad. Shane was slowly getting used to it. And he could definitely use the warmth in his palm here as he walked around the outside of the big white building.

He had made it back to Nicole’s room, and couldn’t find the courage to walk in. He lingered there for a while, hand on the door knob, squeezing too tight, before he let go of it and let himself outside. A dose of fresh air.

Maybe he would need to pick up a second job. A third job, even. Anything. There was no way he could scrape together that much any time soon. But otherwise, Nicole would have to wait. And he’d kill himself a thousand times over if he was the reason behind Nicole’s hurt.

At least the coffee was warm, and so was the divine mix of laughter that he could hear.

Shane looked up from his cup to find two nurses kicking around a football with three kids. Nicky seemed to lead the game, passing it around expertly and giving all the kids a turn. It was nice – all those happy faces. Pure laughter. Nicky looking just as pleasant as he did earlier. Energetic children. Nicole had looked a bit tired this morning which wasn’t the most consoling thing, but this clumsy game of passes was just what Shane needed to lighten his view for a bit.

“Shane! Ball, please!” He didn’t even realise that he was dazing until Nicky called him and pointed at the ball near his feet. He smiled to himself and kicked it over. Nicky trapped it and passed it to the other nurse, whispering something in her ear before making his way over. “Hey. Good pass.”

“Cheers,” they sat down on a bench, “you weren’t too bad yourself over there.”

“Thanks. I would have tried to become a football player if I didn’t do nursing.”

“Yeah? What made you choose nursing over football?”

“I mean, just look at them.” Nicky’s eyes were glistening as he watched the children play around. A fond grin across his lips. It was nice to see. “They’re such gorgeous kids. The last thing they deserve is to be here, and it sucks, but I can make a real difference for some of them, you know? That’s all I want.”

Shane smiled at him, felt like hugging the man. He was glad this was the person taking care of his daughter. “That’s really kind of you.”

“Well, kind of you for seeing it that way,” Nicky stripped his gaze from the children and to his eyes. A smile was returned, and it warmed him more than the cup of coffee. “I’m really loving it though. This placement’s been great so far. Made me realise I’d love my own kid someday as well. I suppose there are other steps to take before that though.” Nicky scoffed at himself. “Bit hard to find nice boys to date while I’m stuck here most of the time.”

“I’d imagine so, yeah.” Shane tried to seem nonchalant as he formulated careful words for the next question without sounding rude. “So you’re like… I mean, if you don’t mind me asking; you’re on that side of the scale then?”

“Gay?” Shane nodded. “Yeah. I tried girls at first, as every one of us does, but it just didn’t feel right. Then I had my first boyfriend in my first year of uni and well, it was lovely so. Yeah. What about you? If it’s okay to ask?”

“Yeah, no problem. Um, both. People in between. Whatever. I’m bi.”

“Oh, cool. Nice.” Nicky certainly seemed happy about that. Let out a nervous chuckle and glanced at his friend for a second for some divergence. “Are you uh, you seeing anybody?”

Shane looked up to thoughtful blue orbs staring back at him. Felt a warm wave wash over his chest and make it thump like crazy at the same time. “No, I’m not.”

“Right. Me neither, I… Yeah. Cool. Um,” Nicky looked flustered. Cheeks a peony pink glow and eyes having a dance party of their own. Shane couldn’t help but let a small laugh slide. “I actually need to get back to work but if you ever need anything, um,” A nervous chew of his lip, then he ripped out a page of his notepad to write on before handing it over, “feel free to call me. That’s my number.”

Yeah. Shane’s chest was definitely thumping crazy. He grabbed the paper.

“I’m not actually supposed to be giving out my personal cell, but you’re special.” He winked. That bloody _wink_. All Shane could do was smile back and try to not blush. “And Nicole’s special. So I mean it. Whenever you need anything. Or want anything. Or just, you know, if you want to talk or grab food or something.”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah.” The cup of coffee in his hand was practically ice compared to the temperature of his chest right now. “That sounds good. I might take you up on that.” Shane smiled up at him, got a heavenly one back along with a pat on the shoulder.

“I should go,” he stood up, “but I’ll be bringing Nicole’s dinner later so I’ll see you then. I’ll slip in a secret meal for you too.”

“Thanks, mate. See you.” He watched Nicky get back to his friend who had a proud smirk across her lips accompanied by a light punch to Nicky’s arm.


	4. Four

From the moment Shane got back from work, Nicole had wanted to play word games the entire evening, and he pretended like he’d lost half of his vocabulary. Half nine, she finally seemed to tire herself out. Shane kissed her forehead and settled on the couch.

He thought about trying to call Mark again. It had been almost a week, but figured it was best not to. What Mark needed was time, and as hard as it was, Shane felt obligated at the least to give him that. He thought about giving someone else a call instead.

Shane made sure Nicole was asleep before fishing out the small piece of paper in his pocket. _Nicky_ , it read. A string of numbers underneath it. He looked at it for a while, contemplating, the devil on his right shoulder whispering in his ear to call the number. This wasn’t a bad idea, right? Certainly wasn’t bad company. The devil was right. He took a deep breath and dialled.

Nicky picked up after two rings. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Shane. Um, Nicole’s dad?”

“Hey.” Nicky sounded pleasant as always. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Um. Actually, Nicole’s eh…” He looked at her sound asleep. “She says she has a headache. Do you think you could come and see what’s wrong?”

“Shit, I’m not on duty tonight.” _Damn it_. “But I could come in anyway. Did she say where it hurts?”

“No, just.. her head in general. I think the sides a little more, maybe.” Nicole stirred. Shane lowered his voice. “But I don’t want to bother you if you’re not working. It’s fine. I can call another nurse.”

“No, I’ll come in. I live like a minute away anyways. No biggie. Why are you quiet all of a sudden?”

“Nicole’s asleep. In case she wakes up.”

“I thought she told you she had a headache.” …Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Urgh.

“Oh. She… Y-Yeah. She did. Just....”

He heard Nicky chuckle on the other side. God, he messed that up. “Okay, well, I’ll still come in. Make sure she’s alright. _In her sleep_. And maybe treat you to a coffee.”

Shane felt himself blush a little, half because of embarrassment and half because of this small fire burning in the pit of his chest. “If you’re sure, then yeah. I’ll be here.”

“Cool,” Nicky chuckled again. A shy little noise that made Shane’s heart turn pinker than his cheeks. “I’ll be there in five.”

“Right. I’ll see you soon then.”

Five. Five minutes. Nicky was going to be here in five minutes.

Shit.

Shane doublechecked that Nicole was asleep before dashing into the bathroom. He hadn’t showered in almost three days. Smelt like a sheep’s arse. God, he wished he brought some cologne from his house. Some hair gel too. He turned the tap on low and tried to spike his hair up with a bit of water. It was better than nothing, he supposed. He soaped up his face as well, almost got it in his eye when he flinched at the _bing_ from his phone. He quickly rinsed and looked at the screen.

**Just downstairs. Heading up now. See u in two ! :)**

Shit. That was not five minutes.

He swore underneath his breath, whooshed a towel across his face and ran back out. He sat himself down on the couch beside Nicole’s bed and looked at his phone nonchalantly. He scrolled through meaningless things that he couldn’t even focus on. And since when was this room so dry?

_Knock knock._

Deep breath. Deep breath. He didn’t know why he was this nervous. It wasn’t like this was a… a date? Date. No. D… No. Nothing of that sort. Shane shook his head as he got up to open the door to a friendly smile and two cups of coffee.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Shane smiled back and stepped aside to let him in. “You really didn’t have to come.”

“Ah, my favourite patient had a headache. How could I not come?” Nicky teased and handed Shane a cup when they sat down on the couch.

“Yeah, um,” Shane took a sip of the coffee, felt it flood his insides with heat. “Sorry about that. I don’t know what I was doing, I…“ He trailed off.

“It’s fine. I gave you my number for a reason. It was actually really cute.”

Nicky wouldn’t stop smiling at him. Shane had to look away before it got weird to stare too long.

“Also, I raided the vending machine for us. I wasn’t going to come emptyhanded.” Nicky’s pockets were like those endless rainbow handkerchief magic tricks. Snickers bars and Tayto chips and hummus dips. “And, get this. You’re gonna thank me.” He reached in again and out came a flask. The rabbit in a top hat. “Want to make your coffee Irish?”

“God, absolutely.” Nicky poured some of the whiskey in, and some in his own too. “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” the paper cups bounced off each other and went straight to their mouths. “Urgh, that’s so good.”

Shane chuckled back and took another sip. “Are you allowed to drink on the job?”

“I’m not on the job. I’m here for you. And Nicole’s headache, apparently.” He joked with a cheeky grin.

Shane felt the alcohol stream through a silly laugh straight to his head. And his cheeks. He didn’t know what in the hell had gotten into him to make that phone call. At least the outcome was lovely. “Well, I’m glad then. I haven’t had a drink in so long. Thank you for this. It’s nice.”

“My pleasure. I’m probably breaking some sort of law though, so if anyone asks, this is regular coffee.” Shane nodded with a laugh. “You want crackers and hummus or Taytos?” Nicky held up the two and Shane pointed to the hummus. Nicky dug into the chip packet.

A bit of an awkward silence circulated the air – just Nicole’s sleepy breaths and crunchy things being chewed – until Nicky finally spoke up. “So uh, I barely know anything about you. What do you do for a living?”

“Oh um,” Shane felt embarrassed for some reason. There was nothing wrong with what he was doing. “Just…” Shane shrugged, “whatever’s available, I guess. Handing out flyers and stuff at the moment. It’s not too impressive but.”

“No, that’s cool.” Nicky seemed interested. That was consoling. “How is it?”

“I mean, it’s alright, I guess. It wasn’t exactly my dream job and the pay’s not great but we get by,” Shane tipped more whiskey coffee down his system. That burn was so good.

“Right, yeah.” Nicky tipped some back too. “What was your dream job?”

It had been ages since he thought about it. Not since he was an innocent boy in high school, being so sure that he was going to make it happen. “In high school, I wanted to be an accountant. I was good at maths so I figured it’d work out well for me if I went to university or something.”

“Didn’t go to uni?” Nicky hoped that didn’t sound judgy. He didn’t mean it like that at all. Gladly, Shane didn’t seem offended when he shook his head.

“Nah. I was planning to but the universe had other plans for me,” he smirked and cocked his head towards his sleeping daughter. “I had her when I was seventeen so.”

“Shit, seventeen. Wow.” Nicky raised his eyebrows a little. “When I was seventeen, I was busy trying to figure out how to get David Beckham to marry me.”

Two chuckles moulded together in the easy air. “Yeah,” Shane breathed, “I had to grow up a little faster than the others. One stupid drunken night turned into the most beautiful thing in the world.”

“Miracles do happen. And she’s an amazing girl.” Shane hummed a reply, casting a warm gaze over his daughter. Nicky watched in silence for a while and chewed on careful words. “Can I ask about the mother? If that’s okay? You can say no.”

“It’s fine.” Shane shifted uncomfortably with a pang at his chest. Took another swig. “She was there at the beginning. We were a pretty good team. Like, it wasn’t easy at all - still isn’t - but at least we weren’t alone. We were happy, you know? Well, I _thought_ we were happy.”

Nicky nodded with a sympathetic tightening of his lips. Shane appreciated it.

“Then one day, I came home from school and there was a note in a bag with all the baby stuff. Nicole was with my mam. She was barely one at the time. So I looked at the note and it said something like _I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore_.” Nicky’s soft gasp filled the silence of hurt. “Yeah. She just… disappeared. I’ve never seen her or heard from her after that. I heard a rumour that she moved to America or something, but yeah. I’m not sure. Nicole and I have been pretty much alone ever since.”

“Jesus. That must have been tough. I’m so sorry.” Shane smiled gratefully and looked down into the content in his cup. “I’m glad you have a good friend though. That other lad who came.”

“Mark. Yeah. He’s like, everything to me.” He sighed. Wondered where the fuck Mark was and how he was doing. If Kian was taking good care of him, because he swore he could break Kian if he wasn’t. “I think he’s a bit freaked out at the moment. He stormed off when I told him about Nicole and hasn’t called me in a few days. But he’ll come around.”

“Ah,” a compassionate head tilt. Nicky didn’t know how to say how sorry he was without repeating himself. He couldn’t even comprehend how Shane must be feeling. “Sorry about that,” he decided on in the end. “People process these things differently. Just give him some time. He’ll be alright.”

Shane nodded, took a big swig of the _coffee_. “I miss him.”

“I’m sure you do.” Nicky poured some of his coffee into Shane’s cup, got an acknowledging smile in return. “Look, I’m sure it’s not the same and you barely know me, but if you need someone to talk to until he comes back, I’m here. Honestly.”

Shane looked up at that. Blue eyes were genuine and inked red to the neglected corners of his heart, assisted with little flutters that he hadn’t experienced in a long time. Lovely little things that made him want to be a better person, just for that look itself. Shane didn’t know if this was good or not. “That’s really nice. Thank you.”

“My pleasure.” The kind smile warmed up his insides way more than this coffee ever could. “If you need to talk, you have my number.”

Shane nodded and looked down into his cup, thinking. Something about the way it rippled when he blew made him open his mouth again. “Look, I… can I ask for a favour?”

“Yeah, for sure. Shoot.”

Shane felt guilty asking, but it wasn’t like he really had much of a choice. “When I’m at work, can you like, just pop in sometimes and check that she’s okay? She’s never really been alone and I haven’t heard from Mark in a couple days so I just… I don’t really have anyone else. I don’t know what else to do. I’m sorry.”

“Oh of course. Not a problem. Don’t worry about her.” Shane looked like he was seconds away from crying, and Nicky put an arm around his shoulder for comfort. “It’s my job, okay? She’s in good hands. Don’t be sorry. You go do what you need to do.”

Shane found himself curving in towards the man, the arm around him a safe blanket. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome. You know I’m happy to help.” Nicky grinned, studying the edges of Shane’s face, watching it soften with each silent tense second passing by, watching curious eyes slowly ignite as they dipped down to his lips.

“So uh,” Shane looked away, stared at a random edge of the bed. Heard Nicky clear his throat.

“Yeah,” Nicky’s chuckle sounded too loud. “Um,” Nicky shuffled a little closer. Shane froze. He was sure that his heart at this speed was not healthy. With a force of courage pulling at his head, he looked back up into eyes that were already staring down at him, the same fire still alit.

“Nicky…” he whispered. Wasn’t sure why. He didn’t really have a follow up to that. He just wanted to say it once. He loved the weight it brought to his lips.

Not as much as the weight when Nicky leaned in, soft lips moving on his like velvet. Nicky kissed him like he was really worth something. Like he was capable of being wanted. Capable of being valued by a sweet heart that escaped any describable words. These lips, these vulnerable touches of Nicky’s fingers on his jaw, these soft moans that vibrated against his skin; they all made him feel like that for the first time in his life.

Shane placed his hand on the back of Nicky’s head and pulled him in closer.

***

It was still dark when Shane opened his eyes to a soft murmur. He groaned and closed his eyes again.

“Daddy…” Her voice was soft. So soft. Wavering as if the wind blowing in her very veins froze the vulnerable passage of her throat.

He had never stood up that fast before. “Hey. I’m here,” he hung onto her shivering hand. “What’s wrong?” Nicole’s breath was heavy, eyes clumsily open. When he caressed her cheek, it was hot. When he felt her forehead, it was burning. Shane wanted to cry. He would rather have his skin peeled than have to watch this.

He rushed to the nurse call button, then held her hands again. Tiny in his palm, and tiny fingers still clutching onto him like her life depended on it.

When the nurse came in, he was asked to step aside. That this wasn’t a big deal. He had never felt such a strong urge to punch someone’s nose in.

The nurse put a cold wet towel over her forehead, told Shane to wet it again later if Nicole needed it.

Shane stayed up all night, gnawing at his chapped lips.

***

“Hi, we have a sale on at our-“

“Hello, free coupons for-“

“Hi um, we-“

Shane sighed as the hundredth person passed by him and left the invisible flyer in his invisible hand hanging. This really wasn’t his day. He had at least half of his pile left and he would have to clock off in ten minutes. His boss would probably tell him off. Elaine was nice, but when she needed to say something, she was never afraid to do so.

And he was definitely right.

“Shane, you have to try harder tomorrow.”

He lowered his head and nodded. “I will. I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re in a difficult situation. I get that, but I still need you to do your job. Okay?”

Holding back a sigh, he apologised again and earned a little smile from Elaine with a pat on the back.

 _Urgh_ , he felt so useless. A fucking pity case. He buried his hands deep in his pockets and decided to walk to the hospital instead of taking the bus. It was a solid half an hour walk, but he needed time. He needed space. He needed fresh air to clean his mind and let himself _breathe_ for a bit at his own pace. Not Nicole’s. Not the hospital’s. Not anyone else’s. His _own_ pace.

He cried for a while.

***

“Mark.”

Shane felt himself already almost crossing the thin line to crying again when he opened the door to Nicole’s room. He had _just_ stopped crying from his walk. This wasn’t helping, but it was also the warmest winter coat draping over his small shoulders.

There he was, lips pursed, hands deep in pockets, awkwardly standing beside Nicole’s bed and not knowing what to do with himself.

“Marky’s back!” Nicole bounced, and Shane took slow steps towards the man. God, he looked uncomfortable. Not in a bad way though. More like when he was that shy eight-year-old with the blueberry muffin.

“He sure is.” Shane smiled a little, and that seemed to ease Mark up. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Mark broke into a smile too, square shoulders turning into curves. “Look, I… I’m sorry. It was shitty of me to run off like that. You were probably freaked out too – more freaked out than me – and I should have been here for you.”

There was a stupid lump in his throat, and an even bigger one when Mark held out his arms that Shane crushed against. This affable embrace was his home. Mark was his home. Had been for _years_ and probably always will be.

The three of them played a clumsy game of throw and catch for a while, and Mark was probably the worst. He wasn’t even pretending to miss the ball, which was worth it for all of Nicole’s laughs. She had been looking a bit more tired lately – falling asleep earlier, eating less. And that night of the fever, Shane swore that his own skin was bleeding. And Shane hadn’t known how to deal with it on his own.

It was good to have Mark back. That was probably an understatement. It felt like a piece of him revived the moment he saw Mark again. Everything was easier. They didn’t get a real chance to talk until that night, but just having Mark there right beside him, having a hand to hold when he needed it, Shane could feel every breath becoming easier to suck in.

Just after nine, Nicole slept, and they finally got some quiet time. With the toilet light on, a warm subtle glow mellowed the ambiance.

“So are you feeling better?” Shane asked, and Mark showed a small guilty smile.

“Yeah. Much better. Sorry, again.” Mark sighed and casted his gaze over to Nicole. “I was just so mad, you know? She’s the last person who deserves this. Not that anyone else deserves it, of course, but… you know what I mean.”

“Yeah. I do. Don’t be sorry.” He realised he didn’t even tell Mark the specifics. That Louis called a seventy percent chance of success and that she could just… not move anymore if shit hit the fan. That Nicole had to wait for her surgery until he could get a bloody deposit in, that he wasn’t sure if he could do it quick enough. He figured he’d leave Mark in the dark for a little longer, because if Mark knew, he’d sell his soul and more when he wasn’t well off himself. “I’m glad you came back.”

Mark looked over, a heartfelt glow in those blues.

“Really. I… can’t do this by myself. You know that.” He could hear his own voice waver, could feel his heart do the same, and when Mark reached out a hand, he grabbed it, fingers entwining.

“I’ll always come back, eejit. Always.” Mark’s thumb rubbed against the top of Shane’s hand and Shane tried to blink back the water in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I should have been with you.”

“Yeah,” Shane scrubbed his eyes dry with his free hand and sighed through a silly relieved laugh. “At least you’re back now.” Mark nodded at him, a soft kiss against his temple. “Let’s just… Let’s talk about something else. How’s Kian?”

“Kian’s great. We’re… great.” The look on Mark’s face was a pretty clear indication of how great. “Um. He told me he loved me last night.”

“Oh my god. Mark, that’s amazing!” Shane had to remind himself that Nicole was sleeping right there as he playfully punched Mark’s arm. “So what did you say? Do you love him?”

“I do, yeah. Said it back.” God, he looked ridiculously happy.

Shane leaned forward for a hug which was returned like a reflex. They always fitted perfectly. “I’m happy for you. Really. That’s so good.” Mark flushed, a shy smile that made Shane want to tickle his dimples. “Actually, I… have something I need to tell you too.” Mark nodded. “I um… Do you remember that student nurse with Louis? Nicky?” Another nod. “I kissed him.”

“What?!” Crap. Mark covered his mouth and glanced at Nicole who was thankfully still deep in her dreams. He looked back at his friend with a bemused smile. “I was gone for one fucking week, Shane. When did this happen?”

“Like two days ago.” Shane felt himself light up at the memory. A silly little flower that bloomed on his cheek.

“Wow. Shit.” Mark let that sink into his brain. Wow. He couldn’t remember the last time Shane looked as excited about someone else as he did now. A precious glint in his eyes that Mark wanted to see all the time. “Is this a good thing?”

“I… don’t know. I guess? He’s cool.” Shane shrugged nonchalantly. Which apparently Mark didn’t fall for. He smirked.

“Someone has a crush, huh?”

“What? No. Come on.” Shane elbowed him and bit down on a restrained smile. “This is different, you know? A crush is like, when Nicole had a crush on Aladdin. _That_ was a crush. But this - it’s like, I don’t know. I just really want to get to know him. I called him at like, ten at night, and he still came and we had coffee. With whiskey. He brought snacks. We had a really nice chat, just... I don’t know. He’s so nice and sweet and-“ He narrowed his eyes when Mark chuckled to himself. “What?”

“You have a crush, Filan.”

“I really don’t. He’s just nice and… whatever. Shut up. And a _crush_ makes it sound childish.”

“Okay. Then you are romantically interested.” Mark made his eyebrows to jump up accompanied by a perpetual smirk. “Does that make it better?”

“No, because I’m not _romantically interested_.” Shane rolled his eyes. “We just had a good time.”

“Fine. Believe whatever you want.” Mark held up two hands. “But you two kissed and now you’re telling me about how lovely he is and how lovely this night was which, by the way, sounds like a date.”

“It wasn’t a date.”

“He came to you at night after a single phone call. Regular people don’t do that for people they don’t care about. And he brought you drinks. Food. You _kissed_. I don’t think that equates to anything less than a date, darling.”

“It was just in a hospital room though.”

“So? The place doesn’t matter. What matters is how you felt and how he felt.”

Shane wriggled his lips and tried to think of another argument. But Mark was making sense – he hated it. He sagged with a sigh melting into a careful smile. “I… felt good. Yeah. I think he felt good too.”

Mark had a proud glow across his face, a cheeky nudge to Shane’s knee, and another one when Shane started blushing and shaking his head. How precious that was, Mark couldn’t even begin to explain. “Well, looks like it’s your turn to buy him a cup of coffee.”

Shane stared into space for a bit, his face unreadable, pondering. “Is it, like, wrong though?” Shane grimaced. “I should be focused on Nicole.”

“This has nothing to do with Nicole. And if anything, it’s probably better that you have someone.” Shane didn’t seem convinced the more time he spent gazing at Nicole. “Shane, you owe it to yourself. You’ve been single for years. You need to live too, you know? You can’t live for Nicole your whole life.”

Shane didn’t really reply. Just an ambiguous hum.


	5. Five

**[Mark Feehily sent a photo.]**

Shane unlocked his phone to find his daughter smiling and sitting on the bed beside Kian, a jello cup in her pudgy little hands, and that was an instant amphetamine pill. With an inerasable smile and sunlight in his chest, Shane put the phone back in his pocket and got rid of a few more flyers before it beeped again.

**Ur boyfriend asked after u btw. In case u wanted to know**

His smile was definitely inerasable. **Fuck off. Not my boyfriend.** Then he sent another one: **What did he say ..?**

**Just how u were doing. Sounded like he hadn’t heard from u in a while. Maybe u should call him?**

Call him. He wanted to. Of course he did, but he didn’t know if it would be a bit awkward. Nicky had gotten a lot of the morning to afternoon shifts while he was at work so they hadn’t ran into each other in about a week. Shane probably thought about calling Nicky every time he got a moment to himself, or when Nicole fell asleep early in the night and craved an arm around him. Just to hear that sweet voice ask him how his day was, to hear genuine interest in someone like himself, and to care back about a kind heart that transformed his stomach into a butterfly garden.

He didn’t know if it was his place though. He thought if Nicky liked that night as much as he did, he would have received a call by now.

But maybe Nicky was thinking the same thing. Maybe Nicky was waiting and felt just as cautious. Maybe Mark was right. God, he wasn’t used to this world.

“Shane, get back to work!” Elaine yelled from across the street.

“Sorry!” He shoved the phone back into his pocket and focused on the paper pile in his hand that was still thick. He could worry about this later.

***

Shane walked down long streets to hand in resumes. Cafés. Cleaning jobs. Retail. Carwashes. Anything. He forgot how mentally draining it was; looking for a job.

He had gotten lucky with Elaine and her flyering organisation. Had been working for her for almost two years now, but he’d known from the first interview that this was going to last. Twenty years old, he was clueless about the real world. Dreams were faded away in the smoke of blown birthday candles. University wasn’t on the cards for him at all. Not when he had a baby to support for the next eighteen years by himself.

But the real world didn’t seem to care. It chewed him up a million times and spat him out in the sewage, getting rejected from almost every job. Just barely twenty with zero life experience, a shit education, a poor background, and a small child – of course, pretentious employers didn’t even give him the attention worth two eyes. But not Elaine.

He remembered he had to bring Nicole with him because Mark couldn’t look after her. He’d apologised profusely, but Elaine took one look at Nicole and melted. Remembered Nicole sitting on Elaine’s lap the entire time and playing with her hair while she conducted the interview.

He didn’t know if he could get lucky the second time though. He would have to leave it up to dirty unfair fate. If God wouldn’t grant him a time freeze, then he at least deserved a bloody job in the middle of this fiasco of a storm.

With a sigh, he walked into the next café on the road.

***

Nicole was asleep when he tiptoed in. Mark was asleep too on the couch, curled up and looking a lot smaller than he was, and Kian was fiddling with his phone.

“Hi,” Shane whispered and sat beside him. Kian nodded.

“Hey. You’re back late. Got caught up at work?”

“I’m uh… I started looking for a second job, actually. Something in the evening. Or early in the morning or something.” Kian cocked up an eyebrow. “So I was handing out resumes.”

“Is flyering not enough?” Kian’s lips wriggled in concern when he shook his head.

“Please don’t tell Mark though. I really don’t want to worry him even more.”

Kian seemed to hesitate. Shane wondered if it was a mistake telling him. The last thing he wanted was for Mark to bust his ass trying earn a few extra quid for him.

“How much do you need for the surgery? When even is the surgery? I don’t think Mark told me.”

“Yeah, that’s uh… I don’t know.“ Shane scratched the back of his head. He still wasn’t sure if this was a mistake. If this would go straight to Mark. But he also didn’t know how much of this he could keep to himself anymore. “They ehm, can’t really start it yet. I… They need a deposit before they can start the surgery.”

Kian snapped his gaze, intimidating lines drawn in between his eyebrows. “Wait, why didn’t you tell us that?”

“Because Mark would freak out and give me his entire fucking savings. I don’t want that.”

“ _I_ would have tried to help at least.” Kian sighed angrily, cheeks getting a bit red. Shane pursed his lips. “Jesus, Shane, this is dangerous. You don’t know if she’s going to get worse really quickly. Or if she’s going to fucking collapse because you were too late.”

Shane frowned. Felt his heartbeat rising. “You don’t think I thought about that? Jesus, I think about that all the time. It _kills_ me. But I’m trying to do everything I can before getting anyone else involved.”

“If you _did_ think about it though, you wouldn’t have kept it to yourself. This is a really big deal.” Kian didn’t back down. Shane wasn’t really planning to either. “Don’t you care about her?”

Shane swallowed the small urge to punch this guy. “What?”

“If you cared about her, you wouldn’t do this. You can’t afford to be stubborn right now. Her brain could just stop. We don’t know. You think you could live with yourself if something went wrong before she even gets to the surgery?”

“You have no right to say stuff like that.” Shane’s chest was clenching with every tic of Kian’s face, and when Kian opened his mouth to retaliate, Shane huffed towards the door. Whatever he had to add, Shane didn’t want to hear it.

Mark jumped awake to the sound of the door slamming shut. “Who was that? Is Shane back yet?”

“No.” Kian glared at the door. “You know, your friend can be a fucking idiot sometimes.”

***

Shane made it to the front foyer, somehow, fuming footsteps leading him away.

He was sure Kian hadn’t meant to argue. He hadn’t known him for too long but he knew Kian wasn’t an asshole at least. Was sure that Kian was just trying to support him and help out in some way. But his heart was still racing. Cheeks still pink.

He couldn’t go back yet.

He wondered around for a little longer. There were people crying around the area. Anxious fingers tangling. Tears and heartache the bare minimum requirement of the air. He used to think hospitals were a sign of hope and miracles. The moment he heard Louis talk, that naivety flung itself out the window.

God, he had to leave this place. Just for a bit. The automatic door opening caught his eye. He walked towards it.

“Shane!”

He turned back around. Oh shit. “Hey. Didn’t expect to run into you. Um. How are you?”

“Grand. Just dropped in for a bit. But it’s good to see you. Haven’t seen you in a while.” Nicky’s smile was still amiable. Still as pleasant as the morning sunlight. As pleasant as the kiss they shared that still lingered on the nerve-endings of his lips. “Are you okay? You don’t look alright.”

“Yeah, just… just tired. That’s all.” Shane shrugged. “Sorry I haven’t called, by the way. I had a lot of things going on. And I didn’t know if you like, wanted me to call or… you know.” He shifted uncomfortably, but Nicky didn’t look uncomfortable at all. Not with that optimistic gleam in his eyes.

“I get it. You’re in a tough situation.” Nicky’s cheeks were blooming, and Shane forgot about Kian for a minute. “Have to admit though, I might have been waiting for a call.” Nicky chuckled shyly. “Or waiting to run into you or something. I wasn’t sure if _you_ wanted _me_ to call.”

“You wanna go get a cup of coffee? If you’re free right now.” Nicky seemed surprised, eyebrows elevated a little. Probably not as surprised as Shane was at himself though. He cleared his throat and averted his gaze. “I mean, just if you wanted to, like…“

“I’d love to.” Nicky lilted.

***

“Kian said _what_ now?” Nicky cringed, his pitch high.

Shane sighed and shook his head. “I really wanted to punch him.”

“I probably would have. Jesus.”

“I feel bad about storming out though,” Shane took a sip of the coffee in his hands. “He just wanted to help, you know? Like, he’s a good guy. Sure, he could have said it a bit differently, but his heart was in the right place.”

“Well, you know him better than I do, so. He seems like a good guy. Maybe just not always good with the words.”

“Maybe, yeah. I don’t know. I’ll talk to him later.” Shane scrubbed his face with a slight groan. “Anyways. I feel like we talk about me all the time. How was your day?”

“Not bad. I didn’t have work today so I just sat around at home all day before I dropped by. Watched Titanic for like, the twentieth time. Still flawless every time though.”

“Oh, that’s my favourite movie.” Nicky’s face lighting up at that was probably the best thing he’d witnessed in a long time.

“Wait, no way! Mine too! God, I knew I liked you for a reason.” Oh. _He likes me_. Shane blushed through a smile that felt too big on his face. “We should watch it together sometime. If you want.”

“We should, yeah. That sounds nice.”

“Cool.” Nicky’s smile reached far beyond his eyes; his fucking hairline. “I think Titanic was the first time I figured out I was gay. I mean, have you bloody _seen_ DiCaprio?” Shane laughed. “Sure, Kate Winslet’s fine, but DiCaprio’s like, fuckin’ _DiCaprio_.”

“But Kate’s Kate! His pretty hands wouldn’t have drawn her like one of his French girls if she was just _fine_.”

“You bisexuals.” Nicky rolled his eyes with a laugh. “Alright, she’s above fine. But you have to admit; that film turned like ten million gays.”

“Yeah, probably turned me too. And I also learnt that I’m a massive cry baby.”

“Oh god, tell me about it. Remember how I told you I used to play football?” Shane nodded. “The lads used to give me so much stick about crying to Titanic, until I forced them to watch it. They’re all cry babies.”

Two gentle laughs entwined in the space between them, curiously feeling each other out.

“Why did you stop playing football? Was it just because of nursing?” Nicky face fell a little. Shit. “Oh. Um. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Sorry, that was rude of me.”

“No, I’m happy to talk about it. Just a bit of a sore spot – that’s all. So ehm,” Nicky ran a hand through his hair and cleared his throat. “I actually got scouted to play for Leeds United when I was seventeen.”

Shane widened his eyes. “Leeds United? Holy shit, that’s incredible.”

“Yeah,” Nicky nodded. “I thought that was it, you know? I thought my life was sorted from then on. But it was actually a lot harder than I thought. Probably the hardest time in my life so far.” Shane tilted his head sympathetically. “I mean, imagine being seventeen and away from home every day, not seeing your family, your friends. And I spent half the time being a bootboy for the pros, basically. Wasn’t what I imagined it would be. I thought maybe I wasn’t good enough to be there. Or to be anywhere. At all. I spent two years feeling like that.”

“God, that sounds tough. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” A wriggle of his lips tugged at Shane’s heart. “Yeah, then I got kicked out of the team after two years. I wasn’t good enough. I was devastated about it at the time, but in hindsight, it was probably the best thing that happened to me. I came back and finished my Leaving Cert. Got into nursing. And here I am now, happier than ever.”

“Jesus, good thing it worked out. I’m happy for you.” That proud smile could burn a sky full of stars. “Do you ever miss it?”

Nicky was immersed in his thoughts for a bit, a bittersweet wind blowing across the lines of his face. “Honestly, yeah. I do, sometimes. Football used to be my life, you know? It was my first love. But shit happens. It’s fine.” He shrugged. “What about you? Like, I know you mentioned accounting before, but do you know what you want to do later?”

“Um,” Shane pretended to think. He had no fucking idea. “Not sure yet. I’ll just… figure things out as I go, I guess. I just want to be a good dad. That’s the main thing.”

“Well, you’ve already achieved that.” Nicky reached forward and held Shane’s hand. A warm caress around his palm, fingers squeezing, but not as much as the enticing squeeze around his chest along with that shy giggle; heaven’s gates singing.

“You think so?” Shane looked up from underneath his eyelashes, his lips imitating the friendly shape of Nicky’s.

“Without a doubt. She adores you.” His thumb rubbed over the top of Shane’s hand. He couldn’t miss the tingling smile even if he wanted to. “And I’m not surprised either. You’re amazing with her. You-“

 _Ring ring_.

Shane voiced a little groan as he fished his phone out from his phone. He really wanted to hear the end of that. Maybe lean in for a sweet something in response afterwards. But he looked at his screen and had to let go of Nicky’s hand, as much as he didn’t want to.

“It’s Mark. I think I should take it. I’m sorry.” Shane grimaced, but Nicky didn’t.

“Don’t worry about me. Take your time.”

Shane quickly thanked him and took the phone call outside. “Hello?”

“Hey. Are you alright?” Mark sounded concerned. Right. Kian. That was what he was angry about before.

“Suppose he told you.” Shane scraped the concrete beneath his feet.

“Yeah. He said you two had a small argument or something. He didn’t tell me what it was about though.” Shane just hummed a reply, heard Mark sigh on the other side of the phone. “Look, I’m sorry on his behalf. Kian can be a bit difficult sometimes. Really direct and stuff. Whatever he said to you, he meant well. He always means well.”

“I know,” and Shane meant that. He knew. “Tell him I’m sorry.”

“Tell him yourself. He’s still here.”

“Oh I uh… I can’t right now.” He looked back inside the café, Nicky resting his chin on his hand and looking at his phone. He smiled to himself. “I’ll be back in about half an hour. Sorry. But you can go home.”

“Where are you?”

“I’ll tell you later. I need to go. I’ll see you later, yeah?” He hung up when Mark said okay, and rushed back inside. Was met with eyes like lightbulbs. “Sorry about that.”

“No need. Was everything alright?”

“Yeah, it’s all good.” And that it was.


	6. Six

“Hey, why else do you think encouraging creativity is good for primary kids?”

Mark didn’t look up. Nor did he respond at all. He looked down at his book, but Kian wasn’t sure if he was even reading it. Just looked blank and lost.

“Babe,” he took his hand off his laptop to tap Mark’s knee, him jolting up a little with a pull back to reality. “You alright?”

“Of course, yeah. Sorry. Just zoning out a little.”

“You’re becoming Shane.” At least that brought out a little chuckle. “Is something on your mind?”

“No. All good.” Mark tried at a smile and looked across to Kian’s screen. “How’s the essay going? You wrote a lot.”

Kian shrugged. “It’s alright. I could use a break though.” He shut his laptop and snuggled up against his boyfriend who closed his book too.

Kian wanted to talk. About Shane. Nicole. About how he was feeling. About everything. But he didn’t know how to start without making Mark cry in two seconds. Sure, they’d talked about it on their own, over and over again, and not once had Mark been able to keep it dry.

He knew how important Shane was. They were soulmates, practically. An almost romantic, to-die-for friendship. It would be lying if he’d said he wasn’t jealous or suspicious at the start, but a few months in, meeting Shane and getting to know him, jealousy and suspicion had no place in their relationship.

And ever since Shane had told him about the surgery deposit, Kian had wanted so bad to tell Mark. To rat him out and knock some sense into the man, but he was sure Shane had his reasons. It wasn’t exactly his water to tread, no matter how much he didn’t understand it. Because, _fuck_ , he still really didn’t understand it.

“I think Shane might be looking for another job,” he uttered carefully. This was probably okay to tell.

“What? Why? He didn’t tell me that.”

“I mean, he didn’t tell me either.” Kian didn’t know why he lied. He hated lying. “I just… have an inkling. He’s coming a lot later than he should be. I don’t know. I might be wrong.”

Mark was running things through his head. Kian could tell by the way those lips pursed, an ominous jump of those eyebrows. “You think?”

“Yeah.”

“Why though? Why would he need another job? He’s got one.” Mark almost seemed a little angry. Defensive.

“Love, handing out flyers all day doesn’t pay much. Surgery like that’s expensive. He’s gonna need money. I wouldn’t be surprised if he really was looking.” Mark’s face was beginning to fall bit by bit in realisation. It was the most painful thing to watch, but he felt like he had to do this. Even if this was eviscerating. “Should we like… help or something?”

“We don’t have money to help,” the droop of the corner’s of Mark’s eyes was accompanied by a tactful sigh. “You’re in uni. I work a shitty morning kitchen job. We both live in a dump.”

“At least yours is a bigger dump than mine.” At least that strung out a small laugh from Mark. A laugh that quickly deflated and returned to its flat self. Kian draped his arms around the boy, feeling the body deflate even more and curve into him for some warmth. And warmth he would give, as much as he could.

“Maybe I should talk to him.” Mark’s voice was muffled in Kian’s shoulder.

***

The sky was beautiful today. A clear cloudless blue that almost looked fake, and Shane kind of hated how beautiful it was.

_“I’m sorry but we need someone with experience.”_

He’d probably heard that three times today. He wondered where he would get fucking experience if he needed this job for that fucking experience. It was a shit system. He didn’t know where else he could go. Not when the jobs that didn’t need experience would rather use young high school students for their expenses. Sure, he understood, but it was hard to continue to understand when his own daughter was getting worse by the day.

“…you even listening to me? Shay?”

Fingers snapped in front of his eyes. “Hm? Yeah. Sorry. Say that again?”

“What else do you need me to bring?” Mark had his phone open. Fingers moving and typing out a list of things to bring from Shane’s house. Right. That was what they were doing.

“Just new clothes. Bring Nicole some comic books.” Mark typed. “Oh and uh… hair gel too, please. In my bathroom.”

“Hair gel?” Mark’s left eyebrow rose. A slight smirk. “I wonder who that’s for. A special someone?”

“Shut up.”

“So I gather it’s going good?”

“I think so, yeah.” Shane bit down on a bashful chuckle, his eyes finding something else to look at. “I think I really like him.”

“I feel like a proud father right now.” Mark laughed when Shane chucked a cushion at his head. “No, I’m happy for you. Really. And Nicky seems like great guy.” He hesitated before opening his mouth again. Didn’t know how to phrase this. “So um, everything else going alright?”

“What do you mean?”

Mark shrugged. “Just… stuff. The hospital. Your job.”

“Job’s great.” That sounded like one syllable. Mark raised an eyebrow. “What? Elaine’s been supportive through the whole thing. She said I could take some days off when I need to. So it’s nice.”

“Right, well,” Mark didn’t know how to pursue it. Or if there even was anything to pursue, if he and Kian were overthinking things. He let it go. “That’s good then. So do you need anything else?”

***

“And then Iron Man flies in! And he saves the world!”

“As always!” Nicky caught the superhero doll that Nicole threw up in the air and handed it back before he could take her blood pressure. “Is that why you like Iron Man so much? Because he saves the world?”

She nodded. “He’s so cool. He’s strong. And he’s rich too.”

“You like him because he’s rich?” He laughed to himself as he got the equipment ready.

“Yeah. He can buy anything. Daddy can’t.”

A bittersweet taste swirled in Nicky’s mouth as he uncomfortably wriggled his jaw. A slight pang at his chest. He put the blood pressure aside for a second and sat down on the bed beside her. “Your daddy’s really cool too though. He loves you so much.”

“But last week, I wanted to buy this pretty doll and he didn’t buy me it. And we had to move houses too.”

“Yeah?” That was new. He tried not to wrinkle his face. “Why’s that?”

“Because he couldn’t pay room.”

He figured she’d meant paying rent. He sighed, despite trying to hold it back. “Is that what he told you?”

She shook her head. “I heard Margaret yell at him. He told me to stay inside but I could hear her.”

Margaret was probably the landlord. He nodded solemnly. He’d already figured out that Shane was struggling. Otherwise, Nicole’s surgery would have started already. She would have already been in recovery. But he didn’t know the specifics. Why Shane looked like he wanted to cry half the time. Why he was away at work half the time. He guessed he still didn’t know enough, but it was at least the beginning of the puzzle.

“Right. Wow, I… Okay.” He ran a hand through his hair, then Nicole’s. “I’m sure that was hard. But him not being able to buy you toys doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. You know that, right?”

She nodded. Still looked sad. Her eyes looked ridiculously alike with Shane’s. The same slope. The same veneer of sadness attached to two beautifully shining globes.

Nicky wanted to do something. He didn’t know what, though. Didn’t know the fine line between what would be nice and what would be offensive. But the painful twist at his chest wasn’t something he could just ignore. Shane wasn’t just an anybody. He was a somebody whose place in his life was swelling.

He kissed Nicole’s hair and got back up to the equipment. “Alright, hold still for me, babe.”

***

“I want to take you out one day. Like, properly.”

Shane almost choked on his coffee. Good thing that Nicole was engulfed in her comic book. He looked up at Nicky, a nervous glow in his eyes but also strong. Confident.

“Like, dinner, or?” Just the thought of was like fireworks underneath his skin.

“Yeah, we can do dinner.” Nicky smiled and reached out to hold Shane’s hand. Shane twisted and entwined fingers, his heart doing a little jump when Nicky squeezed. “Or whatever you want. Somewhere where we don’t have to have shitty hospital coffee.”

Shane smirked and looked down at the paper cup in his hands. Yeah, it wasn’t too good. “That sounds lovely. I’d like that. I can ask Mark to babysit for a night.”

Nicky nodded with a precious pastel pink blush on his cheeks, and Shane couldn’t hold back on the urge to lean forward and kiss it gently.

He still didn’t know what this was, to be honest. Whether this was a _’you_ and _me’_ or a ‘you _and_ me’.

Nicky had dropped in at night quite a few times, them two just snuggled up on the couch and maybe sharing a kiss or two when Nicole fell asleep. All he knew was that every time he looked into Nicky’s eyes, he felt like the world didn’t exist. There were more colours in the sky of his mind. Less clouds in his brain. More sunlight in his heart.

“I hope that wasn’t too forward or sudden or something. Sorry. I just…” Nicky ran a sentient hand through his hair and raked it back. “I really like you, Shane.”

The beats in Shane’s chest were jackrabbiting against his rib cage as his lips curved without a conscious command. “I-“

“Daddy, I’m hungry.” _Damn it_. The two men looked across at the child, the comic book folded in her lap, and a pouty mischief decorating her lips.

“Hungry?” Nicky asked. He kind of hated that Shane’s sentence was cut off. He crossed his arms. “You had the whole dinner.”

“Yeah, but that was hours ago.”

“It was forty minutes ago!” Nicky had to laugh, and when Shane laughed too, well, that was the prettiest sound that made his bones weak. “Alright, I’ll bring you something from the canteen. I probably need to get back to work right after though.”

“I always forget that you’re working.”

“I know. I’m going to get kicked out of this placement soon because I’m in here all the time.” Nicky stood up with a stretch. “Do you want anything?” Shane shook his head. “Okay, I’ll be back.”

“Wait,” Shane grabbed Nicky’s wrist just when he started to walk away. Nicky looked at him, bemused. “I um… I like you too. A lot.”

Nicky stumbled to a flustered chuckle and couldn’t stifle the fire of an urge to lean in for a short kiss. The way Shane reacted instantly and caressed his bottom lip bloomed a rose in his chest, and as much as he hated to pull away, he did. The bright spark in Shane’s eyes watered that rose, and Nicky whispered a quick “I’ll be back” whisper in his ear.

“Daddy,” Nicole spoke when the door closed, “why do you kiss Nicky?”

“Because I…”

Shane’s heart was swelling in his throat, a fond vision reddening his brain for the first time in his life. His heart putting up with irregular beats and a dance party on his cheeks. Typical butterflies in his stomach that also flew around in his brain. So maybe this was what those post-date scenes in movies were trying to portray. Maybe this was what Mark and Kian felt like all the time. It was nice.

“I really like Nicky.”

“More than me?”

“No. Never in a million years, babe.” He slid over to sit beside her on the bed. “You’re always my number one.”

Nicole’s smile faded in about three seconds, confusion colouring her eyes. “But why do you like him? He’s not a girl.”

Oh. He realised he never really explained it. Never thought about doing it.

“Well,” Shane organised words in his head; words that he needed to hear when he was younger. “Sometimes, boys love boys, like uncle Mark and Kian, and girls love girls, and sometimes, people love both, like I do. And that’s okay.”

“So it doesn’t always have to be the princess and the prince?”

She almost looked a bit afraid to ask. God, he wanted to hug her and cry. He remembered feeling afraid at a young age like that, when everything was all about having to find the man to save Snow White. Cinderella finding the perfect handsome prince and the other boys in class wanting to be him, when sometimes Shane wondered what it would feel like to kiss the prince instead. Thought it would equally feel like sunshine and candy.

“Absolutely not,” Shane didn’t take a single beat to answer. “It can be whoever you like. If you love the princess more than the prince, there’s nothing wrong with that. I think that’s beautiful.”

A small smile bloomed on her face, a look of contentment in blue eyes. Shane wanted to ask; if she loved the princess more than the prince. Maybe Nicole was on the road to figure it out for herself. Maybe he had to wait a little longer. Maybe it wasn’t his place to ask. He bit his tongue.

Nicole nodded, allowing words to sink into a wonderful rainbow in her heart and mind. Shane was proud of himself. It felt like he was making it up to his younger self.

“Good girl.” He cupped her face and peppered kisses along her nose playfully. Got a divine giggle in return. “And just know that whichever one is perfectly fine. Because hearts are what matter the most. Whoever you fall in love with, as long as you’re happy, then I’m happy for you. That’s _all_ that matters. Whoever you grow up to be, I’ll love you just the same.”

She nodded again, the same content smile on her lips.

“So, are you happy for me to like a boy?”

“Yes.”


	7. Seven

_Mark Feehily:_ **Good luck! Dont be nervous X**

Shane smirked and shook his head before shoving the phone back in his pocket. Don’t be nervous. Right. Deep breath. A few more steps forward and around the corner, he could see Nicky standing there, waiting for him. Hair neatly tilted to one side and the curves of his face deepening the moment their eyes met.

“Hi,” they laced into a hug, “sorry I’m a bit late. Mark was stuck in traffic.”

“No worries. I only just got here too.” Nicky fished out tickets from his pocket and cocked his head towards the door. “So. Love, Simon. You ready to go in?”

“Yeah.”

This was it. This was a date. A fucking date. Not that this was the first one, but this was a _date_. Without Nicky’s work interfering or Nicole saying that she was hungry, and without the confines of hospital cafes and blindingly white rooms.

He hadn’t expected Nicky to ask him out so quickly after last time. He thought Nicky was just testing the waters when he said he’d like to take him out properly. Just sizing up his reaction. But Nicky had come back after getting Nicole some food with a hop in his step, had settled down beside him on the couch and played around with Nicole for about five minutes, his arm still around Shane’s shoulder, until Nicole fell asleep, forgetting to eat.

“So um, when’s good for you?”

Shane had frozen for two seconds. “Sorry?”

“For like, a date. I meant it. I want to take you out, if you let me.” The confident wrap of iron around those pupils was like a hypnosis pendulum. Shane had felt his heart race faster than it had ever before.

So here they were, in the movies with a tub of popcorn and the seat arm in between them. Pointless ads were playing on screen, and all Shane really wanted was to hold the hand on the other side. He hesitated. Was about to reach over. But the lights were turned off with the movie starting and he grumbled to a stop.

“By the way,” Nicky whispered. Shane leaned in. “This gets really touching, apparently,” Nicky put the popcorn on his lap and lifted up the separating seat arm. Shuffled close and sneaked an arm around his back. Shane curved in without realising. He was glad it was dark in here. Because his cheeks would be the salient image instead of the screen if the lights were on. “So I have tissues if you need them.”

Shane smiled at him. A little shadow of light glowed over Nicky’s face, and he pecked a quick kiss on his cheek.

“I’ll be alright.”

The movie was an emotion-grinding rollercoaster with colourful pops of comedy. A teen coming out story – Shane should have expected how painfully touching it was going to be. And Nicky’s hand didn’t move from his side. The occasional smooth rubs. A tentative squeeze when the screen got a little emotional.

Because, fuck, it did.

_“You get to exhale now, Simon.”_

Shane was a sniffling mess when tissues were passed his way. He looked over, Nicky also with glistening wet eyes and a warmed heart, and the arm around his waist slid up to his shoulders to pull him in closer.

_“You get to be more you than you’ve been in a very long time.”_

***

“And I just sat them all down one night after dinner. They were all there; mam, dad, my sister, my brother, my nan. My dog, Keano.” Nicky chuckled. “It was fucking scary – I’ll tell you that. Mam apparently thought I was gonna tell her I got suspended from school or something, because I was like, close to crying by this point. Then I just said it. Guys, I’m gay. They all jumped up and hugged me and stuff,” Nicky’s lips were curving up at the fond memory. “Me nan knitted me a really itchy rainbow sweater.”

Shane chuckled, his chest opening up. “That’s adorable. I love that.”

“Yeah. I was really fortunate. What about you? What’s your coming out story?” Nicky asked, swirling his pasta around the fork.

“My coming out… Um.” Shane chewed on his lasagne carefully, but not as carefully as his words. “I didn’t really… get the chance to tell them.”

Nicky face was straight with caution as he nodded. “Right. So, like, closeted?”

Shane put his fork down and shifted in his seat. “No. They, well…” He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about this. Not really, to be honest. He never talked about it. He didn’t think even Kian knew properly yet. “They both passed away before I could tell them.”

That straight cautious face fell, and those shoulders sank. A sympathetic head tilt. “Shit, Shane. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, it’s okay. It was like, three years ago now. I’m alright.” Shane tried to smile and picked his fork back up, picking at his food.

“Still. You were so young. And Nicole was so young. That’s really rough.”

“It is, yeah,” he breathed. “Gotta move on though. And I have. I just don’t talk about it, but uh, yeah. I missed my chance to tell them. I was scared to, while they were still here. Looking back on it now, it was stupid. I should have told them. I really wanted to.” This time, the smile that appeared on his face wasn’t forced. It was odd, but talking about them for the first time in at least a year felt like a release. An exhale. “And they would have been great about it too.”

Nicky smiled along. And that was another exhale. “I’m sure they would have been. Would they have liked me?”

Shane looked up at him. The invisible line of connection between their eyes was not too invisible after all. Because Shane felt the ignition. Was sure Nicky felt it too. The slow calm blue fire from the pit of their hearts that fused into this line.

“They would have loved you, Nicky.”

***

The front door didn’t even close fully when Nicky pushed Shane up against it, hot lips devouring his and hands crushing his nape. Shane was already running out of breath. But breath he’d gladly lose for just another millisecond of this.

The kissing didn’t stop as Nicky led Shane on, their jackets a cheeky trail on the floor towards the bedroom.

Nicky peeled off his shirt, his chest heaving, and gently pushed Shane to lie down on the bed, to climb on top. Shane obliged, his shirt coming off too to make a pile.

Their lips moulded together again. Wet, obscene sounds hitting the secret-keeping walls, and a moan joining when Shane glided his hands down a perfectly arched back and squeezed his ass. Nicky grinded into him with every squeeze and caress for some sort of desperate friction, and _god,_ Shane was already starting to leak in his pants.

Then Nicky reached for the zipper of his jeans. Shane jolted. He hadn’t meant to. Nicky darted his eyes up in concern. “You alright?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I’m just… I think I’m a little nervous. I haven’t slept with anyone in a while so.”

“No pressure. We can take things as slow as you want.” Shane nodded and swallowed hard. “Do you still want it, or?”

Nicky’s breath was heavy. Delicate and desperate against his skin. Of course, he fucking wanted it. “I do,” he exhaled to a smirk and a hand that pulled down his pants.

Like a motion of the sea, of calm connected waves, a pile of clothes ended up on the bedroom floor, and puffs of hot air was shared in the small space between them, in between hungry kisses.

Shane lied down on his back again, and when he felt a craving palm clutch at his butt cheek, he felt himself arch into it. He also couldn’t ignore a flesh growing hard against his skin. Felt himself arch into that too.

“Fuck, I want you,” Nicky murmured on the sensitive skin of his neck, “do you have a preference?”

Shane almost couldn’t hear it with the loudness of the tangible caressing of lips on skin. “Sorry?”

Nicky withdrew for a sec and reached over to the drawer. He retracted a bottle of lube, a condom packet. Oh, right. That’s what he meant. “A preference.”

“Um, I’d prefer the bottom but if you want to, then I don’t mind. I like both.”

“Perfect,” Nicky climbed onto the bed while sliding it on with one hand, a bottle of lube in the other, and Shane lied down on his back. Allowed Nicky to settle in between his legs. He swallowed hard, and when a slick finger slowly pushed into him, he gasped. “Nice and slow.”

It got a lot easier with the second and third digit. A _lot_ easier. Because Nicky was whispering the realest veneer of safety in his ear; something that cleared a passage of Sun to his brain, his heart, all the way down to the spots Nicky was putting pressure on and teasing at the same divine time.

When he told him that he was ready, Nicky adjusted himself, a gentle and slow thrust into his tunnel of desire, and Shane fisted the blankets. Let out a dark moan with his lips buried in Nicky’s neck. Hooked his legs on Nicky’s brawny back and hugged him in closer. He wanted to feel it. Everything. The raw hardness. The raw pain. The raw pleasure.

“You okay?” Nicky asked.

“Yes,” Shane whispered back. “Please…”, he begged. He didn’t even know what he was begging for. All he knew was that he _wanted_ this. He wanted it all.

When Nicky started moving inside him, Shane arched his back and caressed Nicky’s face to yank him in. He needed to feel that tongue on his. Lips ravishing his. For some sort of sense that this was real. Some sort of control over a string of sanity that he was slowly losing his grip to with every thrust and grunt.

Nicky didn’t seem to run out of energy. Nicky didn’t stop kissing him either, and Shane couldn’t stop with the life of him. Because fingers were exploring his body, teasing his nipples and making him flinch occasionally, keeping him on the edge, then slithering up to tease his throat.

“Fuck, you’re so good…” Nicky growled in his ear, a hot breath against his nerves, his eyes lighting up like a wolf hunting in the moonlight. “You’re so good for me.”

“I want to be good for you,” Shane whimpered back.

Nicky smirked, the contagious light in his eyes not knowing how to turn off, and pounded in harder. Deeper.

That string of sanity was lost.

***

Nicky dug his nose into Shane’s hair as he kissed it, a mixed smell of coconut, sweat, sex, and himself.

Shane tilted his head up from Nicky’s shoulder and smiled into tired eyes that brightened just for him. “Thank you for today. I had a really good time.”

“Me too. I love spending time with you. Always.”

“Me too,” Shane put his head back down and snuggled up. Skin touched skin, and Shane wondered if it was possible to melt into one.

“Hey uh, I have a question. And you can say no.”

“Okay,” he looked up again, propping himself up on one elbow, intrigued. “Shoot.”

“What do you think if we, ehm… I-I mean. You’re really great. So um.” Nicky stuttered for a bit, trying to pick and choose the right words from the cluster in his brain. “Would it be alright if I called you my boyfriend?”

“Oh. Wow. Um.” The pretty pink glow across Nicky’s face was too much for his palpitating heart. He felt his own cheeks flare up. “Would it be alright if _I_ called _you_ my boyfriend?”

Nicky bit down on his beaming lips. “Yeah. It would. I’d love that.”

“Then me too.”

“Right. Cool.” Two gentle chuckles entwined in the warm air.

Nicky leaned in for a kiss.

***

Kian jumped up and hugged him with a pat on the back that was a bit too hard when he recounted last week’s milestone. Mark did a cute little clap in the background, his mouth twisted into a grinning gape. Bless him.

When Nicky came to deliver Nicole’s dinner, Mark looked like he was trying so hard to stop himself from squealing, which, in fairness, Shane was too.

“Hey,” Shane felt his blood flow faster as soon as Nicky walked through that door.

“Hi.” Nicky had the shyest, most precious grin across his lips with a yellow glint in those eyes. “How are you?”

“Good. Really good.” Shane tried to not blush when Nicky leaned in for a quick kiss on the cheek. And even more when Kian voiced a teasing _‘awwwww’_ from behind. “Shut up!”

“Want us to leave the room, lads?”

Nicky rolled his eyes with a silly laugh and got back to work. He put the tray on the overbed table and did quick check-ups. He took her temperature. Asked if she had a headache. He looked concerned as he shot a quick look at Shane, who bit his lips in deeper concern.

She looked perpetually tired these days. The usual starlight in her eyes looked like bullet holes, and Shane couldn’t pinpoint how much every second hurt watching her. She was falling asleep at 7 PM sometimes. 6, even.

And when Louis called him into his office two days later, he couldn’t help the ominous shadow that washed over his vision.

“Hi, Shane. Sit down, please.”

God, this was familiar. Harrowing. He hated this room. Nicky was in the room too, a clipboard in his hand. He wanted Nicky to leave the room.

“Is something wrong?”

Louis sighed and clicked a couple things on his computer. Turned the screen to a black and white diagram. This was familiar too. Harrowing. “If you see here,” Louis pointed to the diagram on the right, “that was her first CT scan. And this one here,” he pointed to the left, “is the one we conducted two days ago. Do you see a difference?”

“This one looks bigger,” Shane pointed to the white blob on the left that was larger than the right. Louis’ hum was too foreboding. He felt it stick in his chest like tar.

“Exactly. Her tumour is expanding. If we don’t start procedures really soon, this can get dangerous. Have you noticed her looking more tired as time goes by? A lot weaker? More headaches?”

Shane nodded helplessly.

“Yeah,” Louis breathed. “We need to proceed quickly. If it were up to me, I’d do it in a heartbeat for free, Shane. For you. But this isn’t up to me. This is up to you now. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Another nod. He hung his head low. He didn’t want to look at Louis’ face. Or Nicky’s. Especially Nicky’s. Because when he heard Nicky’s sigh on the side, he felt like he was going to be alone again.

He thanked Louis and walked out as fast as he could. Heard the door open and close again right after.

“Shane, wait!” Nicky called and caught up. No, he didn’t want this right now. “Are you alright?”

“Not really.”

“I’m sorry.” They walked on an ice rink of tense silence for a bit. “You could talk to our legal team maybe? There might be a charity discount deal or something.” Shane glared up at him. “I-I’m not saying you need charity. But like, it could help. There could be something there for you.”

Shane sighed and looked at the ground again, at his dragging feet. “What I need is a job.”

“But you have a job already.”

“It’s not enough.” Shane’s voice was wavering. Eyes dampened and glistened. Nicky put an arm around his shoulder. “I’ve been looking, you know that? I’ve been looking for another job. They all rejected me… All of them.”

Nicky felt his heart being anchored down to his stomach. “Shane, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s embarrassing. We just started dating. I didn’t want you to…” He trailed off to a shrug. Quickly wiped tears off his cheeks with the back of his hand.

“You didn’t want me to what?” They stopped just shy of Nicole’s door. Shane wasn’t looking at him properly. He was busy trying to keep his head down and wipe tears that were quickly replaced. “Talk to me. You didn’t want me to what?’ Nicky asked again, swiping a gentle thumb across twinkling cheeks.

“To leave me.” Shane murmured. Nicky felt that same anchor pull his heart down to the underground soil. He stared at him for a while, reached out to hold his trembling hand.

“Love, that’s crazy.”

“Is it?” Shane sniffled.

“Of course it is. Please don’t think like that.” Nicky sighed when Shane shook his head and pulled him into a hug, Shane sobbing into his gown and wrapping his arms around his waist. “I’m not going to leave you. I’m in this for a reason. What would I even leave you for? Money? I’d be an arsehole. And I’d like to think of myself as not an arsehole.”

“You’re not.”

“Exactly. I’m gonna be here through the whole thing. I’m going to do everything I can to help. I really like you, okay? All of you. More than anything I’ve liked in forever. So don’t ever be afraid of that. Please.” Shane nodded on his shoulder and Nicky sneaked a smile as he rubbed his hand up and down the boy’s hitching back.

They stayed like that until Shane’s back stopped hitching. Until the tears were soaked into Nicky’s skin and became a part of him.

“What are you going to tell Mark?”

“Everything. The truth. Just… about the deposit. About jobs. Nicole. Everything.”

Nicky nodded. “Do you want me to go in with you?”

“Yes, please.”


	8. Eight

“What are you doing?”

When Nicky wheeled in with the lunch delivery, Nicole and Mark were snuggled up together, colour pencils in their hands. It was a pretty mental picture that Nicky wished he could send to Shane.

“We’re making daddy’s birthday card!”

“Birthday card?” He looked at Mark with raised eyebrows. “It’s his birthday?”

“Yeah. Next Tuesday.”

“Jesus, he didn’t say anything.”

“I mean, things are a bit hectic, which I’m sure you know.” Nicky nodded. “Yeah. I doubt he even realises it’s his birthday.” Mark’s lips twitched with an edge of moroseness. Nicky got it. “So we’re thinking of having a mini surprise party in here. Tuesday night. You should come.”

“Yeah, I can come. I have Tuesday off so that sounds nice. What should I bring?”

“It’s only a little party.” Mark handed Nicole more colour pencils as she concentrated on crafting ‘Happy Birthday Daddy!’ in bubble writing. He patted her head before looking back up at Nicky. “Kian’s baking the cake. We both got him a little gift. And we’re blowing up some balloons and stuff. So you don’t really need to bring anything.”

“Right. Just my own gift then?”

Mark nodded and cleared the table for the lunch that Nicky pulled out.

***

The room was starting to come together. More balloons and signs decorated the area, Kian’s chocolate mud cake protected in the corner of the room, and Nicole asked if she could blow some balloons too.

“Do you want to blow a red balloon or a yellow balloon?”

“Oh um, actually,” Nicky stepped in. “I’m not sure if that’s the best idea. It could tire her out really easily.”

“It’s just a balloon. I’m sure she’ll be alright.” Kian waved his hand, but Mark shrugged.

“Ki, he’s the nurse.”

“But I want to blow one,” Nicole pouted and Nicky’s whole shell melted.

“Okay,” Nicky grabbed a red balloon and handed it over. Sat down right beside her just in case. “Just one, yeah? And if you don’t feel good, you let me know straightaway.”

She looked ridiculously happy and fascinated, and who was he to stop that. He watched her carefully though. She got to about halfway when her pupils had less focus, her breath shallower, her head slightly tilting to the side, and Jesus, he had to be the one to stop that.

“Alright, well done. That’s pretty now, don’t you think?” He pried it out of her mouth and tied the end. “Are you dizzy?”

“A little bit,” her breath was still a little shallow. Her eyes afraid.

“You’re alright. Don’t worry. Just take deep breaths for me, love. In through the nose, out through the mouth.” Nicky held onto her hand and felt it cling on with a desperate squeeze. “Can you get her a cup of water?” He had never seen Kian move that quickly. He held it up at Nicole’s mouth when Kian came back with it, at a slight angle so she could take slow gulps. “Does that feel better?”

She nodded and took another sip.

“Do you think you can take another deep breath for me?” Nicky did it with her, not losing eye contact. “Good girl. Let’s take two more together. Ready?” In. Out. A longer in. An even longer out. “Well done. How does that feel?”

“I’m okay.” Nicky smiled back at her, and heard two sighs of relief behind his back. “Can I blow another balloon?"

“No!” Kian spoke up quickly. Handed her a piece of paper and some colour pencils instead. “How about you draw a nice surprise gift for Shane? This is more fun, don’t you think?”

“I think it is,” Nicky watched her grab it and aided Kian. “I’m jealous. I’d rather do that than blow balloons! That looks like so much fun.”

She seemed convinced, and Mark thanked him with a silent pat on the back.

***

It was looking good. Balloons were all blown up. A Happy Birthday banner was taped to the wall. It was colourful, which was what Shane needed.

“He’s coming!” Kian yelled from the windowsill and they all got down. “Nicole, when that door opens, we all jump up and yell ‘surprise!’, okay?” Nicole nodded with excitement dancing across her face.

They all crouched behind the bed in silence, and Nicky almost jumped when Mark put a hand on his shoulder and leaned in closer. “Hey um. Just so you know; Shane seems a lot happier with you.”

Nicky was sure that he felt the Sun in this dark cold room. He smiled back. A small shy smile that quickly escalated into a beam. “You think so?”

“Definitely. I haven’t seen him this happy in _years_. Which could be weird because of Nicole and everything but… I think you make it better.” Mark looked shy too. He voiced an awkward chuckle. “I don’t know. I just wanted to say thank you.”

“That’s really nice, Mark. Thank _you_.” Nicky was about to tell him how he was the lucky one. How _Shane_ made things better. But the door clicked open. They all got into motion. A sliver of Shane’s face appeared. And…

“Surprise!”

“Shit,” Shane flinched, clutching at his chest, his surprised face transforming into a bemused grin almost instantly. “What’s all this?”

“Happy birthday!” They all yelled again, and Shane broke into a gentle laugh, eyes sparkling bright and cheeks blooming in red. He shut the door behind him and did a round of hugs.

“Thank you so much. I had no idea.”

“You deserve it,” Nicky whispered in his ear when it was his turn to hug, and he got a kiss on the cheek in return.

“Thank you,” Shane whispered back.

Mark should probably have been engrossed in this heated discussion of the cake between Kian and Nicole, but he watched Shane through the corner of his eye. A warm tsunami washed over his heart when he saw the two wrapped up in each other’s arms, the look on Shane’s face something he’d never seen before – something that held a vital part of life that Shane probably never knew he had.

He sneaked a smile.

***

The cold breeze didn’t feel so cold tonight. Not with Nicky’s hand in his, not with the cordial memories engorging his heart.

Nicole had fallen asleep early, and the four of them talked with the lowest volume, their bellies plump with cake, until Mark and Kian headed home.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Nicky had asked, and Shane had said yes.

It was just a stroll through the outside of the hospital structures, but it felt like the Maldives to their feet, like warm beach breezes in their entwined fingers instead of city noises.

“Thanks for the party. I genuinely didn’t expect anything.”

“It was Mark’s idea. And you didn’t even tell me it was your birthday. You should have told me.”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Shane shrugged. “I forgot about it, to be honest. But it was a really nice.”

Nicky held onto the hand tighter, hearing leaves crunch underneath their every step. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Are you happy?”

Shane looked up at him a little surprised. “Happy?”

“Yeah. Happy.” Nicky led him to sit down at the bench, bringing his arm around Shane’s shoulder.

Shane pondered for a bit. Happy. Happiness. He wasn’t sure if he really knew what happiness meant. If there was space for happiness to settle in his life. But he certainly wasn’t _un_ happy. He had Nicole, the light of his world. He had the greatest friend someone could ask for. And Nicky definitely allowed a little space in his life for the so-called happiness to squeeze through. “Yeah. I guess so. I think I am, for the most part.”

Shane entwined his fingers with the ones on his shoulder, felt them cling on. He smiled to himself.

“How about you? Are you happy?”

Nicky looked far into his eyes, like he could see a dream in them. “More than I’ve ever been, I think.”

Sugar dripped from his lips as he crooned, and the sugar melted into streams of honey when he kissed Shane.

The sensation was something Shane couldn’t quite explain. Something hard and soft at the same time, rough and tender, passion and compassion against craving skin. And definitely craving more when Nicky pulled back.

“I have a present for you.”

“The party wasn’t the present?”

“This is your first birthday with me. Of course I got you something.” Nicky fished out an envelope from his back pocket. “Happy birthday, babe.”

“Aw, what is it?” Shane looked at it quizzically.

“Just open it.” He was kind of apprehensive about it, to be honest. He meant it in the best way from the best place of his heart, but he also knew how prideful and stubborn Shane could be. He chewed his lips.

Shane pried it open. He slid out a thin piece of paper. His name was written on it. Numbers. He felt his face harden. “Nicky, what is this?”

“My present. It’s a cheque. Um,” Nicky cleared his throat. “I thought about what I could do for you. What I could get for you. And I don’t want this to come off as patronising or anything… but I thought it was best to get you something that you needed right now.”

He looked back down at the piece of paper. That was a cheque alright. Jesus, that would get Nicole’s surgery started straightaway and cover at least some of the aftermath too. He swallowed hard, chased down the moment of red temptation. “No, I… I can’t accept this.”

“Why not? It’s a present. Of course you can accept it.”

“This is too much. I can’t. I appreciate it, really, but I… no. I’m sorry.” Shane put the cheque back in the envelope and handed it over. “How do you even have the money for this? You’re a student. You don’t even get paid for this placement.”

“My parents send me an allowance every week. It’s not a big deal.” Nicky pushed it back. “You need this. Come on. Let me do this for you.”

“I’ll be okay.” Nicky couldn’t notice Shane’s tone getting lower and lower, deeper and sharper. Or maybe he did, and didn’t care. His chest started beating, and definitely not in a good way.

“No, you won’t. Louis literally had to call you in and warn you, Shane. How is that _okay_? Just take it. It’s your birthday. I-“

“I’m not a fucking charity case, Nicky!” Shane cut him off.

“But you are!” Nicky bit back. He wasn’t so sure if it was worth it when he saw the hurt in Shane’s eyes, but he pursued it anyway. “You are. I’m sorry, but you are. Just let me help you. I want to help.”

Shane didn’t speak. Didn’t look at him either. He angrily mushed his lips together and grinded, the back of his head steaming. Nicky kind of wanted to slap him across the face and wake him up. Fuck it.

“Do you know what Nicole said to me when I asked her why she likes Iron Man? Because he can buy anything, and daddy can’t.”

“I… No. She didn’t say that.” Shane’s voice was weak. Eyes averted. The steam watered itself down and his hard face collapsed.

Nicky took a deep breath and softened his tone. “She did, love. That’s what she said to me.” Shane’s eyes were tearing up with something that was completely different to the previous anger. Nicky felt thick layers of his heart peel itself. “I know it’s harsh. I know. And I’m sorry. But you need to accept this. For Nicole.”

He offered the envelope again. Saw Shane’s lips tremble as he glared at it like it was hellfire.

“Shane, please.” Nicky whispered and reached out to grab his hand. Felt hesitant and slow fingers eventually wrap around his.

Shane looked like he was in harrowing physical agony as he accepted the envelope. His bottom lip was still trembling. His fingers even more. A tentative, tangible emotion in Nicky’s palm that he wasn’t sure he wanted to feel, but he was at least sure that he wanted to be the one to mend it.

“Fuck…” Shane breathed. A horrible wet sound that could drown shooting stars. “Thank you. Really. This is the nicest thing, I…”

Nicky draped his arms around the lean boy, felt him give in almost instantly with a flash-flood of the pent-up urge to cry his guts out over a shoulder.

He let him do exactly that for as long as he needed to.

***

Louis had sighed with relief when he got the news that the deposit payment was finally made and had ordered procedures to begin straightaway.

Tomorrow morning. The surgery would be tomorrow morning. Shane wasn’t sure if he was ready for that.

And he definitely wasn’t ready for _this_.

Nicky reeled into the bathroom with the shaving equipment. A tray with a hair trimmer sitting on top. A towel. Nicole sat in front of the mirror with a black hairdresser cape swallowing her body. Her hair was golden, beautiful, angelic underneath the light. Shane tried to memorise every streak before they were gone.

“I’m scared,” Nicole murmured, looking too small in that cape. Shane had to look away and attempt to blink back threatening tears.

“You’ll be okay,” Kian smiled at her, one hand on Mark’s shoulder and the other on Shane’s thigh. He didn’t know how to console all of them.

“You’re gonna look beautiful, babe. You don’t have to be scared.” Nicky kissed her cheek and turned to the three men behind him. “We’re ready over here.” He walked up to Shane, gently caressed his jaw. “Do you want to do it?”

Shane pressed his eyes with the heel of his palm. Tried to dry them before letting Nicky guide him to the chair. He was handed the hair trimmer. It didn’t feel like it belonged in his hand. Not now, not ever. He looked at Nicole through the mirror and tried to smile, to float some sense of safety in her eyes that craved it.

Nicky’s hand was squeezing his shoulder, but it didn’t really help. He had to do this though. He had to. He fucking had to.

He took a deep breath for himself and lifted the machine. He could do it.

Nicky’s hand tightened. He heard Mark’s little sob behind his back. Heard Kian kiss him easy.

He looked back at them. Mark didn’t even look up. Kian tried to show him a reassuring smile.

“Are you sure you want to do it?” Nicky crooned softly, and no, he wasn’t sure at all. He sighed and looked back through the mirror. Nicole’s hair was gorgeous as always. He didn’t know how his own hands would shave them.

Hair that shined so brightly in the Sun when he needed strength over the years. Hair that he had tried to tie when she wanted it up for day care, but had failed horribly with bits of hair sticking out where they shouldn’t, and walked to the centre with a pouty child who refused to speak to him for ten minutes, he himself trying to hold back laughs. Hair that he had stroked through so many nights with lilted lullabies, through nights of their own where nothing else had mattered. Then continued to stroke underneath the moonlight when she was asleep and he just needed a moment of comfort, trying to cry silently and not wake her up.

“I…” Shane dropped the trimmer and shrunk in a painful heartbeat. “I can’t do this. Help me.”

Mark just chewed on his lip and shook his head. Nicky stayed silent.

Kian sighed and stood up. “Give it here,” he took the trimmer from Shane’s hand, a quick supportive pat on his shoulder, and stood behind Nicole. It looked like a wet layer was glistening in his eyes too as he tried to smile through the mirror. “Alright, sweetie, ready?”

Kian turned it on. The mechanic whirling sound was too much. Shane had to walk out.

                                                          ***  
Nicole had cried for about an hour about her hair, and Shane really couldn’t comfort her. Because if he tried, he was sure he would have cried harder than her and freaked her out even more.

Kian had told him to go for a walk, that he’d handle it, and Shane had never been so thankful. Nicky held onto his hand the whole time. A tight, safe, solacing grip. None of them said anything. No words were needed. Just a warm touch and some fresh air with an attempt to clean the cement in his chest.

When he came back, he had asked everyone to go home.

He turned the lights off, nothing but the starlight glow washing the room white. Nicole snuggled up in his arms as they lied down on the bed together, his hand rubbing Nicole’s head. It felt odd without the hair, but after the calming walk, it wasn’t too big of a deal. She was still the same girl. The same beautiful girl he would bleed himself for over and over again.

“Are you scared?” Shane asked. Nicole didn’t reply for a while, immersed in thoughts.

“Yes,” Nicole whispered in the end, and Shane felt a lump in his throat. “Are you scared?”

“No. Not at all.” A white lie never hurt anyone, except himself. “Because I know you’ll be great, baby. As always. And tomorrow night, we’re gonna have a _big_ party just for you. It’ll be so much fun.” Nicole looked up at him. He poked her nose. “So you can be brave for me, right?”

“But what if it hurts?”

“You won’t even feel it. I promise.”

“Pinky promise?”

Shane held up his pinky. “Pinky promise.” He smiled when Nicole entwined her finger in the exchange, and kissed her forehead. “I love you so much.”

“Love you too, daddy.”

The night sky wafted by too quickly as they talked through it. Shane needed time. Tomorrow was a demon that he wasn’t ready to face and kick down, but the sky was inconsiderate. As always. When Nicole fell asleep, slow and safe breaths in his arms, he looked up at the bitter stars with silent pleas.

He didn’t get a single blink of sleep that night.


	9. Nine

Shane had been holding his breath for too long, sitting on his own, fingers trembling like they were going to fall off any second. Lips chapped from the constant biting. The bones of his ribs about to crack down to ashy rubbles.

Louis had estimated a six to seven-hour surgery. Shane didn’t think he could do this for seven hours.

He felt like he’d been sitting here for too long with no news. Oh god, the surgery must have gone wrong. Something must have gone wrong.

God, he couldn’t _do_ this. Not for seven hours.

After the anaesthesia, before Nicky went in for the surgery, he had said to try and not worry too much. That Louis was more than capable. That Nicole was a strong girl. It hadn’t stopped the raw trepidation that crept up from his toes and crawled its way all the way up to the tips of his messy hair.

And when Nicky had went in for the surgery, he hadn’t known how scary it would be to sit alone in this cold waiting room. Surrounded by other distraught family members just yearning to hear the results. An intensely morbid room filled with people who looked like they were at a funeral. Crying adults. Distraught adults. Their fingers tremoring. Eyes wandering to every corner of the room. And Shane was definitely one of them. But alone.

He didn’t know where the _fuck_ Mark was. He had promised to try to get out of work as early as possible today. And he wasn’t here. Shane’s hand was empty instead of having a warm palm in it. A comforting whisper in his ear, calming blows to his ricking heart.

Another eviscerating hour passed. His throat was too dry, despite downing about the tenth cup of water this morning.

“Shane!” He looked up from his palms. Felt his shoulders relax a little. A muscular reflex to finally seeing a familiar face. The most familiar face.

Mark ran towards him and plunked himself down on the next chair, panting and his face glowing red.

“Sorry. I tried to come as soon as I can. There were nonstop orders flying in and I-“

Shane practically launched himself to hug him. Mark swallowed hard as he hugged back, arms crushing the boy in and feeling him tremble against his skin.

“I was here for three fucking hours by myself,” Shane wilted. The voice was filled with a tank of tears on standby. Mark hugged him harder.

“I’m sorry.” Mark whispered and felt Shane give in. Heard a soft sob against his ear that he wasn’t sure how long Shane had been holding that in for.

Maybe since Nicole was wheeled into the surgery room three hours ago. Or maybe since Nicole’s diagnosis. Since the first time she had collapsed and Mark had to rush her here. Since his parents passed away and he really didn’t have anyone to look to anymore. Since Nicole’s mother fled. Or perhaps since Nicole was born, having to face the world as a seventeen year-old with responsibilities that weren’t meant for him to deal with alone.

Shane didn’t cry for long. He felt like he had to reel himself in, like this wasn’t the time to cry, despite everything. If he broke down completely and let himself go, then hope was gone too. And hope was the only thing he could clutch onto.

But that grip was difficult to maintain when the surgery doors busted open. A nurse came bolting out and around the corner. A frown across her distressed face. He heard the other people in the waiting room gasp and murmur amongst themselves.

Shane felt his heart pound a little too fast to label as healthy. Mark sat up too, eyes wide.

“No, we need B positive!” They heard the nurse yell.

B positive.

B positive.

“Nicole’s a B positive,” he breathed, heard his chest drop to the floor and crack.

Before he could ask anything, the nurse bolted right back in, and the waiting room became quiet again, as if nothing happened.

“She’ll be okay.” Mark spoke like he was trying to hypnotise himself. A flat tone that wasn’t too convincing.

Shane shook his head and dropped it in his hands. Felt a storm of ache parade through it. “We don’t know that, Mark…”

“Yes, we do. Stop being like that.” Mark started to sound annoyed, his tone finding edges that weren’t common. He had his arms crossed, eyes hard.

“You don’t _know_.”

“What? What don’t I know?” Mark was glaring when Shane looked up at him. An accusing shot of a stare that hit the wrong place in Shane’s mind.

“Louis just…” Shane grunted with a rough scrub of his face. “Whatever. Fuck off. I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“Louis what? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Shane didn’t respond and lowered his gaze. “Filan. Look at me.”

“I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you’d worry.” Shane mumbled before he found the courage to look at his friend again. Mark looked afraid, like the first time he tried to tell him that Nicole had a brain tumour. Shane had hoped he didn’t ever have to do something like that again. The world really wasn’t on his side for anything.

“What is it? What… What did Louis say?”

Shane realised this was the worst possible timing.

“Louis said that she um…”

***

Kian dashed through the automatic doors of the hospital, all the way up to the waiting room and stopped in front of the two men. Jesus, he couldn’t breathe. He supported himself with hands on knees and tried to re-inflate his flat lungs.

“Sorry I took so long. Fuck, this lecturer just went on and on about stupid shit and I couldn’t get out.“ Once he winded himself down from the puffing, he realised Shane had been crying, which wasn’t surprising. But Mark’s cheeks were red in a familiar angry way. His lips pursed in the way they always did when he was in a mood. But this was more than just a mood. “Um,” he looked in between them, who refused to look at each other. Got swept up in this wave of negative energy. “Did something happen, or?”

“Did you know that Nicole might not be able to walk anymore?” Mark looked up at him, suppressed anger bottled in his throat.

“Wait, wh… what?” Kian’s brain was stuck in quicksand. “What are you… what do you mean?”

“I mean that she might not be able to fucking _walk_ anymore. And _Shane_ knew this all along but didn’t tell us.” Mark started to get teary again, and Kian looked at Shane.

Shane took a sudden interest at his ragged shoes, eyes fixated. Too fixated.

“Shane?”

“I had my reasons,” he mumbled, still not looking up. But he could feel eyes on him, and he really didn’t need this right now.

“Shane, what-“

“If you say shit about how I didn’t care about my daughter again, I swear I’ll kill you.” Shane darted his head up, an impetuous rise of fire up his spine, scowling at Kian who actually didn’t seem angry at all, much to his surprise.

The fire put itself out when Kian hugged him instead. An waterfall trickled down his system, and Shane didn’t take two beats to put his arms around the boy. He buried his face in Kian’s shoulder, just counting breaths for himself. This was what he needed. Kian let him stay there silently for a while.

“You’re an idiot.” Kian ran his hand up and down a back that got less tense, then let go to turn to his boyfriend who was looking at him like he had two heads. “And _you’re_ an idiot. You’re both idiots.”

“Kian, he-“

“I know what he did, Mark.” Kian put his hand up, gave him a stern look that made him purse his lips again. “I was shocked too. I was heartbroken too. But whatever we feel, Shane feels ten times as much. And it’s not Shane you’re mad at.”

Mark’s tight lips slowly came undone. Shooting guilty side-glances at Shane, he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and sighed.

Then Kian looked at Shane. His face had a lot more natural colour. Eyes a lot more at ease. Shoulders less rigid. “You didn’t have to keep that all to yourself, Shane. We would have been there for you – you know that.”

“I know.” Shane chewed on his lips in silence for a bit, then he looked back up at Mark. “I should have told you. Earlier. Both of you. I… I’m sorry.”

Then Kian looked at Mark. Cocked up an eyebrow. “Mark?”

“I’m sorry too,” he mumbled shamefully.

“There we go,” Kian smiled triumphantly and sat down beside Mark. Took a breath for himself that he had been holding. “God, those uni roleplays of resolving children conflicts are really paying off.”

Mark chuckled, a sour sound that hit his ear wrong. “This is crazy… I never thought anything like this would happen to any of us. Ever.”

Shane hummed in agreement. Let out a sigh that could probably kill a bushfire and slid down his chair, leaned his head back on the hard plastic. He stared up at the ceiling, kind of hoping the lights could blind him for a second.

“I’m scared,” Shane whispered. Mark and Kian looked over with heavy sympathetic hearts.

“Shane…”

“I’m so scared, I… Fuck.” Tears spilled down the side of his face. His lips trembling. Face crumpling.

When Kian handed him tissues, he brought them straight to his cheeks as he sat up, trying not to wail. Mark’s arm came around his shoulder.

“What if she can’t run around anymore? What if she has to be in a wheelchair all her life? What if… what if there’s brain damage?”

“If you think about all the ‘what ifs’, you’re going to drive yourself crazy.” Mark held his hand, wiped his wet cheek with the other. “Just… stop thinking about it. We’ll trust Louis.”

Shane took a deep breath and nodded eventually. He didn’t really have a choice.

They didn’t know how many hours they sat there in a perturbed silence until the doors opened again.

Louis walked out, his mask in his hands.

“Shane?”

Shane jumped up straightaway.

***

Nicole looked so small. So weak. Delicate eyes shut. The oxygen mask almost covering her entire face. A dressing covering the scar on her head. Her arms stringed to tubes. The tremble in the tips of Shane’s fingers felt permanent.

“The surgery ended well. Tumour’s gone. We’ve removed it. She was really lucky.” Louis had said with the typical jolly smile, and Shane had thanked him a million times. Tears decorating his cheeks as he thanked him again. And again. “She’ll be moved to the ICU. You can see her soon. And she should be up before tomorrow.”

But it was already ‘tomorrow’. Nicole wasn’t _up_. She was asleep. Still. A little too still.

Shane had never been this anxious in his life. He thought he’d feel a bit more at ease than that horrid waiting room. This was somehow worse. Because Nicole was right in front of him. She was right there and he couldn’t talk to her. He couldn’t feel the life in her hands when he held them. He couldn’t see the million watt smile that brightened just about every room they were in together, even though she was _right_ _there_.

He let go of her hand when he heard the door open and close behind him.

“Babe,” Nicky’s hand squeezed on his shoulder as he sat down. “How you holding up?”

“You said she’d be up by today. It’s not _today_ anymore.” Shane held up his arm for Nicky to see the watch. It was almost two in the morning.

“Shane, she’s stable. You just need to wait. It’s a lot for her body to deal with.” Nicky grabbed his hand instead. “She’ll be up soon.”

“You promise?” Shane looked so tired. Bags under his eyes that held so much hurt and blood waiting to be seeped out. Nicky leaned in to hug him.

“Definitely.” He kissed Shane’s temple. “I think you need some sleep.”

“You need some sleep too. You’ve been in that surgery for hours this morning. You’ve been here all day.” Shane crooned in his ear.

“There’s no way I’m leaving you here by yourself.” Nicky crooned back and felt Shane hug him tighter. It warmed his system. Of course he was tired. Tired was far too much of an understatement. But Shane was more important than that. Than anything.

“I’m not sleeping until she wakes up,” the ache in Shane’s voice tugged at Nicky’s chest.

“Okay, well, I’m staying up with you then.”

“But you-“

“I’m not leaving you, Shane.” Nicky pulled back to look at Shane in the eyes that connected immediately with his. A flash of relief in dull hazels that made him smile.

They sat there in silence for a while, fingers entwined. Just the sound of the oxygen tank swishing. The sound of machines beeping. The dead silent night sky.

Nicky studied Shane carefully. When those lips trembled occasionally, he leaned up to kiss his cheek. Tightened his grip on an effete hand. Got a nervous smile in return, then Shane looked straight back at Nicole like she’d disappear if he took his eye off of her for five seconds.

It was almost three in the morning when Nicky glanced at Shane’s watch. An hour had passed. Nicole still didn’t show any signs of waking up. His eyelids were getting heavy. More frequent yawns that stirred his stomach. Was close to dozing off until Shane spoke for the first time in an hour.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Hm?” Nicky looked at him. “For what?”

“For _this_. Everything. It wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t give me the money.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he rubbed the top of Shane’s hand with his thumb. “I’m glad I did it.”

“I’ll pay you back.”

“If you can’t, you don’t need to. I didn’t give it to you expecting it back. I gave it to you because I love you, and I wanted to do it for you. And for her.”

Shane looked at him with his eyes widened a little.

“What?”

“Did you just… Y-You… You love me?”

“Oh, I… Ehm...”

Fuck. Nicky swallowed hard. He hadn’t realised he’d said it. It felt too easy. A slip of the tongue that wasn’t really a slip. It was too late to reel it back in, not that he really wanted to, because of course he was. The typical butterflies that books said you get in your stomach. The way movie characters looked at each other and wished for a future together. He had all of that and more. So this was love. He was in love. It wasn’t so scary, once he registered it.

“Yeah. I do.”

He thought Shane would be happier. He had imagined the first ‘I love you’ moment would be more dramatic. Nicer. Joyful tears. Smiles. Hearts speaking loudly. The hottest kiss. Not Shane averting his eyes like now, lip uneasily squirming without a noise. He felt his chest tighten.

“You don’t have to say it back.” Nicky tried to conceal the hurt grinding his bones. He tried to smile. “Not until you’re ready or… you know. Sorry if I sprung that on you too quickly.”

“No, it’s okay. Um... Yeah.” Shane shifted in his seat, fixing his gaze on his sleeping daughter. He didn’t say another word.

Nicky sat there in silence too, trying not to cry. He had to give Shane time. Everyone worked in different ways, at different speeds with different gears. Shane liked him at least. That was a start. Shane was probably halfway there. At least. It wasn’t fair for Nicky to speculate, maybe. It wasn’t fair for him to get upset about not hearing it back.

But he was, if the lump invading his throat meant anything at all. If the feeling of coal anchoring his stomach down had any meaning.

“Do you um…” Nicky croaked. Shane still didn’t look at him. This probably wasn’t the best question to ask in the moment, but the coal was getting heavier. Lump getting bigger and higher. “Do you not… love me?”

Shane sighed. Whether that was intentional or unintentional, it hurt just the same. “Nicky, I-“

“No, you know what? It’s fine.” Nicky stopped him. Finally got a look his way. Apologetic, morose eyes dulled with sleep deprivation and the ominous black knife in Nicky’s gut. He didn’t want to hear it. “I don’t want to push. It’s your thing. Sorry. I’m not gonna… Yeah. Anyways. Um. I think I’m gonna go.”

“Nicky…” Shane breathed and grabbed onto his hand.

Nicky thought about giving in, but no. He couldn’t. He pried himself out and stood up. Tried to ignore the silent plea in Shane’s hazels. “I um, I should go. Just… I’ll call you tomorrow.” He started walking towards the door, and stopped when Shane’s words tugged at his ankles.

“It’s not that I don’t love you.” Shane’s voice wavered, like he was near tears too.

“So do you?”

There was an unnerving silence. God, Nicky should have just walked out. He couldn’t hear anything but low machine beeps. His heart on its way to slitting, until he heard slow footsteps approach him from behind. Felt arms come around his stomach and suck him in close. A familiar warmth spreading out on his back with Shane resting his chin on his shoulder. His heart was on its way to stitching itself back. But he didn’t want to hug back yet. Not just yet. He stood still.

“It’s not that I don’t love you,” Shane repeated. A bit softer right next to his ear.

“I don’t know what that _means_ , Shane”

“It means that it’s…” Shane hugged him tighter and moved to dig his lips into Nicky’s neck. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”

“How? You either love me or you don’t.”

“It’s a process. It’s time and commitment. And right now,” Shane sighed. A wind of hot air on his nape that didn’t necessarily feel good. “now’s not the… best time. I need to take care of Nicole.”

“You’ll need to take care of Nicole for the next ten years. At least.” Nicky pulled away from the back hug and turned to face him properly. “It’s never going to be the best time.”

“It’s just hard right now. I… I’m sorry.”

Shane looked like he was about to cry again when he looked to the ground, and the effect that had on him was bigger than life itself. His squared shoulders melted as he sighed and nodded. “I know. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make a whole thing out of it.” He scrubbed his face and grabbed Shane’s hand to bring him back and sit down again.

“I’m sorry,” Shane whispered, that voice too fragile.

“Don’t be.” Nicky smiled up at him despite the hurricane in the back of his throat. “Like you said, it’s a tough time for you. I can wait.” And that he could.

“You shouldn’t have to, though… I-“

Nicole murmured.

Nicole.

Shane jumped right up and held her hand. Felt like the world was lighting up when her eyelids drifted up slowly, when her pupils adjusted back to reality after a few sluggish blinks and locked in Shane’s gaze.

“Baby? Can you hear me?”

A slow nod.

Shane exhaled for the first time in hours. Maybe in days and weeks and months. She seemed relaxed. Peaceful. Eyes focused enough. Stars shining through the sleepy dullness.

“Do you feel okay?” Nicky lilted, and her eyes flickered towards him as she nodded.

Shane burst into tears, his restrained heart pouring out like a broken dam, never letting go of the little hand that he wailed into.


	10. Ten

“What? No way. Thor is _obviously_ the strongest Avenger.”

Nicole seemed genuinely offended with that frown but Nicky and Shane couldn’t stop laughing.

“No! Iron Man is the strongest Avenger!”

“But Thor’s hammer is mighty. Indestructible. Iron Man’s suit can be destroyed.”

“Hela destroyed Thor’s hammer.”

Nicky stumbled to a silence. He looked at Shane instead. “What is she; some sort of Marvel expert?”

“Pretty much, yeah. I’d stop arguing if I were you.”

“Fine.” Nicky pulled a face. “You win, Nicole.”

She smiled victoriously. A bit delayed, but she still seemed happy and that was what mattered.

Shane was shocked at first. Heartbroken when Nicole’s reactions were delayed. Her laughs almost mechanical. The constant headaches. The swelling and purple bruises on her face. But Louis assured him with a gentle smile – common aftermath of brain surgery, he had said, that the effects will disappear after a few days.

“Urgh,” Nicky grunted when his phone beeped with a text from Louis, “I need to go. Sorry. But I’ll be back to sign you out this afternoon.” He kissed Shane’s smile and looked at Nicole. “Are you excited to go home?”

“I think so.”

“You _think_ so? Isn’t it a good thing you’re going home? You get to see all your friends again. You get to go to school again. And a little birdie told me your daddy and Mark have a special dinner planned with your favourite meal.” Nicky winked, but Nicole didn’t seem too happy. Not sad, either. Just somewhere in the middle.

Shane got that. He thought he would be itching to leave this place. And he was, for the most part. This room had too much pain. Too many mental pictures of himself crying, of Nicole wilting. Pictures that gave him goosebumps just thinking about them. But there were also some cordial memories. Nicole giggling. His birthday party. And Nicky. Nicky was all over this place – their first kiss, the seed and bloom of their relationship, little moments of fun in between the dark clouds, the… first time Nicky told him that he loved him.

It was bittersweet.

Even more so when Nicky came back to sign them out as promised, a lopsided smile on his face when Shane signed the paperwork.

“I’m going to miss my favourite patient.” Nicky smoothed the back of Nicole’s head. “You were always my favourite part of the day.”

“You’re still going to see her all the time,” Shane said.

“I know, but it’s not the same. But no, it’s a good thing, because it means _you_ ,” Nicky poked Nicole’s nose and got a giggle out of her, “are strong and healthy. I’ll see you on Friday to get that off,” he pointed at the dressing.

There was a knock on the door. Mark poked his head through. “Car’s ready.”

“Can you take Nicole first? I’ll be down in a minute.”

Mark nodded in understanding and took Nicole’s hand, quickly thanked Nicky before giving them a moment alone together.

“So,” Shane sighed.

“So,” Nicky repeated. “I’ll see you on Friday?”

“Yeah. Friday.” Shane smiled, felt a weird tingle in his toes. “But I’ll call you.”

“I’d like that.” Nicky nodded. “Can I hug you?”

Shane let out a silly chuckle. “Nick, you’re my boyfriend. Of course you can hug me.”

“Of course. Yeah,” Nicky stepped closer, put his arms around the boy who hugged back in less than a heartbeat. “It just feels weird.” Shane hummed in agreement. “We always used to do things in here and now you won’t be here and it’s just… I don’t know. Very weird.”

“Yeah. We’ll get used to it though.” Shane buried his face in the comforting crook of Nicky’s neck. Nuzzled in it, breathing in a familiar scent. “Thank you. For everything you’ve done for us.”

“Anything for you,” he kissed Shane’s hair. “So Friday?”

“Or um, if you wanted to come over to my place before Friday, you could do that.”

“Yeah?” Nicky smirked, felt his heart lighten.

“Yeah.” Shane pulled his head back to look at him. “If you don’t have work, you can come and we’ll have dinner.”

“That sounds nice. I’m free on Wednesday night.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

Shane seemed happy. Nicky smiled and leaned in for a quick kiss before he let him go.

***

Nicky must have checked the mirror at least twenty times before heading out.

He didn’t know why he was so nervous. It was Shane. Nicole. The same people he’d seen almost every day, but this felt different. A completely different setting. It was like a whole other chapter in the book. This somehow felt more real.

He checked that the flowers in his hands were still pretty, still fresh, before he hid them behind his back. He knocked on the front door with a deep breath.

It opened two seconds later, Shane beaming like the Summer sunshine, dressed in a nice black t-shirt and tight jeans, his hair spiked up, and Nicky was speechless for a second.

“Hey,” Shane was still beaming. “You look really nice.”

“Jesus, look at yourself.” Nicky leaned in for a quick peck on the lips and brought out the flowers. Saw Shane’s face light up in ways that Nicky didn’t even know was humanly possible. “I got these for you.”

“Aw wow, they’re beautiful. Thank you so much.” Shane took them in his hands and smelled them, a congenial smile across his lips. Nicky didn’t believe there was a prettier picture than this. Right now. Right here. “Come in. Nicole’s just in her room if you want to say hello. It’s down the corridor there.”

Shane made his way to the kitchen while Nicky strolled to Nicole’s bedroom. He could hear two of his favourite voices mixing, sweetening the air of the house, and he smiled to himself.

A smile that quickly faltered when he looked into the pan he was nursing. He had spent the whole day yesterday trying to look for recipes and tutorials that he could somehow manage to cook on his own. He wanted this night to be special. It was Nicky’s first time in his house. The first dinner he was cooking for him. It had to be special. Perfect.

But the pasta didn’t look like that last night on YouTube. Tomato sauce wasn’t supposed to sizzle and pop like that, was it? And the meatballs didn’t look like meatballs.

Right. Um.

He quickly snapped a picture and sent it to Mark. Mark worked in a kitchen. He had to know. **THIS DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT !!**

A text came in straightaway. **Why are the meatballs black? Wtf did u do, Shane**

**I just fried them .. Are they ruined?**

**Jasmine Thai has really nice delivery food. I suggest that, sweetie X**

Shane groaned and put his phone in his pocket. He looked at the pan again. Flipped it here and there with the spatula to try to find at least some good portions. But nope. With expletives under his breath and a pouted sigh, he turned the stove off and did a walk of shame to Nicole’s bedroom.

He pushed the door open. Nicky and Nicole were both on their fronts, lying down on the floor, clashing superhero toys together. There was a tiger there too, for some reason.

“Oh no! Ant-Man, save me!” Nicky screeched in a high pitch. Shane held back a laugh and leaned on the doorframe. Then Nicole flew in with the action figure. Nicky gave Ant-Man a quick peck and blushed when he realised Shane was watching.

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Not long. Are you done?”

“Yeah, this dreamy little guy saved me.” Nicky pointed at the action figure which Nicole shook triumphantly. “What’s up?”

“Um,” Shane scratched the back of his head. “We have a bit of a problem.”

Nicky looked concerned, his eyebrows knitted in.

“I uh… tried to cook dinner. Which was mistake number one. And then I burnt it. Mistake number two.” Nicky’s eyebrows smoothed themselves out and into a laugh. “So we could order some Thai food instead?”

“Thai sounds great.” The kind smile. Bless him.

“Are you sure?” Nicky nodded and stood up. “Sorry. I wanted to make it special for you. I put a lot of thought into it.”

“It’s already special, love.” Nicky walked closer to hold his hand, and Shane was already imagining the euphoric night they would spend together after this.

***

Dinner had gone by with a flick of time. He hadn’t smiled so much before. Let his heart be this free before. Because whenever he watched Nicky laugh, a part of the cage in his chest broke off, and if this was what he thought it was, it wasn’t as big a deal as he thought it was.

If someone had asked him what happiness was, he thought he finally found the tangible answer.

After dinner, there had been another argument of who the best Avenger was where Nicole threatened to never play with Nicky anymore. Shane had kicked Nicky under the table and made him apologise, mirth still prancing over his face.

It didn’t take long for Nicole to fall asleep after that, and when Shane tucked Nicole in bed, Nicky’s eyes sparkled.

Within the next breath, they were in Shane’s bed. Lips locked and breaths mixing. A blissful spirit whistled through their souls with each button that got undone on Nicky’s shirt, with each kiss on Shane’s neck that made him growl and whimper at the same time, with each ray of light that entered Shane’s heart.

He had to say something.

“Hey um,” he whispered when Nicky undid the zipper on his jeans, “let’s talk.”

“You know, you don’t have to make conversation right now.” Nicky scraped his teeth against a sensitive spot on Shane’s neck, sending a shiver down his spine.

“No, I want to. I… Yeah.”

“Oh.” Nicky’s fingers stopped just above the waistband of his boxer shorts, a thumb hooked underneath. “Okay, well, I think Nicole might kill me one day if I keep saying Thor’s the strongest.”

“What? No. I actually had a topic in mind.” Shane laughed with a roll of his eyes. Heard Nicky laugh too, then look at him expectantly. “I um…”

The laughs died off. Shane cupped Nicky’s jaw and tilted it up a little, looking into eyes that burned holes in his soul and filled it with blooming flowers. God, his heart was racing too fast.

“I love you, Nicky.”

Nicky’s lips curved into a smile, a thin wet layer glazed over blue eyes.

“I shouldn’t have waited to say it. I’m sorry. But I really do. I love you.”

The beats racing in his chest weren’t so scary anymore when Nicky got rid of the gap between them. Shane slithered his hand over to Nicky’s nape, a deeper tug to pull him in, before he slid down to the small of Nicky’s back.

“Fuck, I love you,” Nicky whispered just before trailing kisses against his jawline.

“I love you,” Shane whispered back, an invading lump in his throat that was comforted by the honey dripping from Nicky’s lips onto his skin, seeping in and healing old scars.

Nicky’s fingers teased his waistband again. But they were forced to a stop.

A knock on the door pierced through the air. They both froze.

“Nicole?”

“I can’t sleep,” the little voice murmured on the other side.

“Fuck,” Shane breathed, his cheeks a little red, and rushed to do up his jeans, Nicky beside him buttoning his shirt back up. “Um, just wait a minute, babe!” he called, and sighed, dumped his face in his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.” Nicky put a hand on Shane’s shoulder. Realised how tense it was. He raised an eyebrow. “Hey. Really. Not a problem.”

Shane voiced a grunt from the pit of his stomach and swung his legs off the bed, went to open the door. He tried to smile at Nicole. “Can’t sleep?”

Nicky gnawed on his lips. Followed as Shane tried to lead Nicole back to her room, their hands folded into each other. She stopped in the middle of the living room, prying her hands out of her father’s.

“I don’t want to sleep though,” Nicole whined.

“You have to. You have school tomorrow.”

Nicky winced at the rough shot of anger in Shane’s tone. The frustration that he didn’t quite understand. He stopped himself at a distance, an uneasy tingle darting up his arms.

“But-“

“Nicole.” Shane stared at her. She pouted. “You have to. End of story. Come on,” Shane reached for her hand again. She whinged and crossed her arms.

Shane tilted his head back with a heavy sigh. The look in his eyes changed.

Nicky swallowed hard and took a step forward. Just something to help out. “Love, I can put her to bed and you can-“

“Can’t I just have _five minutes_ of my own life to do something _I_ want to do?”

“Shane,” Nicky frowned a little and took a quick glance at Nicole. Noticed her eyes well up in surprise as she waddled over to hide behind Nicky’s leg. Shane didn’t even seem to notice at all.

“No, I mean it. I haven’t had my own life in years.”

Shane kept talking like he wasn’t aware of where he was. Of the world. Of what he was saying, about how he didn’t have a life anymore. How his life was revolving around that of others all the time, how he was compromising all the time, and he didn’t know who the _fuck_ he was anymore. They erupted, like these words were suppressed too much, for too long, and exploded like a volcano, fireballs shooting out of the acid in his guts rather than the usual loving filter in his brain.

This wasn’t just about the interrupted sex from the start, Nicky realised, or about Nicole not wanting to go to bed. This was beyond that. Way beyond that. Pent up frustration and memories and pain that was beyond Nicky’s knowledge as of yet. But as much as he realised Shane’s need to vent, Nicole was on the verge of crying, blaming herself in her innocence, and he had to stop this.

 _“Shane!”_ He barked.

 _“What?!”_ Shane finally snapped a look at him and deflated in a second when Nicky cocked his head at his daughter. A guilty, morose, hurt, conflicted droop in her eyes that Shane never knew could exist in a child, but he made it exist. He shot that look in her eyes. Fuck. “Nicole, I didn’t mean-“

She ran into her room.

Nicky sighed.

***

Shane knocked on her bedroom door. “Babe?”

There was no answer. He was sure that there was no worse feeling than this.

“It’s me.” He knocked again. “Can I come in?”

The door opened, his daughter looking up at him with rheumy eyes. So he made her cry. He was wrong – there was a worse feeling. He swallowed hard and followed her as she went back to sit on her bed, walking on wafer thin ice.

“I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t nice.” he sighed as he sat down beside her.

“Do you wish I wasn’t here?”

The fact that she even had to think about it was heartbreaking enough. But Shane didn’t want to cry. “I’ve never wished that. Ever. The things I said earlier… it wasn’t about you. None of it was about you. It’s not your fault.”

“But you said you don’t have a life like you used to,“ she mumbled into her doll, fiddling with it, looking down at the blankets consuming her.

“What I used to have was nothing compared to what I have now. Do you know what I have now?”

“What?”

“You.” He saw her face soften, ease jumping on those pastel pink cheekbones. “I have _you_ , love. And that’s the best thing I could ever wish for. It’s the best life.”

“Really?” She finally looked up at him. He smiled like a pure heart reflex.

“Really.” He reached out to hold her hand. “So I’m sorry about what I said before. I’m sorry it upset you. It wasn’t about you.”

She nodded slowly, a calmer ambiance wafting through the air. “It’s okay,” She lilted. A wider smile.

“Thank you,” he kissed her forehead and heard a heavenly giggle melt through her lips.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course you can.”

She seemed hesitant. A little frown sat down on the space in between her slanted eyebrows. He didn’t have a good feeling about this. “Do you wish mummy never left?”

Oh.

Um.

Shane didn’t know how to answer that. She never really asked about her mother before.

“Uh,” he bit down on his lips. He kind of did wish that. Just a small part of him. Because maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard. He wouldn’t have been so alone. He would have been able to give Nicole a little more.

But he also didn’t wish that. The much more substantial part of him. Because life would be so different, and as arduous as it got sometimes over the years, having Nicole was the greatest blessing of his life. He wouldn’t change it for the world. So _no_ was his answer.

“No. It would have been different for sure, but I love what we have. I’m grateful for what we have. And I love you too much to change that.”

Nicole didn’t really seem pleased. Had other thoughts in her mind that she needed answers to first. Shane wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about it.

“Did she leave because she hated me?”

“Oh babe, no. Not at all. She loved you so much.” Shane shuffled up to sit beside her, their backs leaning on the headboard of her bed, and put his arms around her shoulders. Pulled her in close with a small nostalgic smile across his lips to heal himself. “I remember, the day you were born, we were so incredibly happy. _So_ happy. It was the happiest day of my life.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Without a doubt. The moment you grabbed my finger and looked at me for the first time, my world changed. I knew you were all I’d ever needed. Your mum was so happy as well. She really loved you. I’m sure she still loves you.”

“Then why did she leave?”

Shane sighed, felt tears threaten his system. “Well, sometimes things just… don’t work out the way you planned. For many reasons. Um,” Shane didn’t think he needed to say anymore. Certainly not yet. “All you need to know for now is that it wasn’t your fault. Your mam leaving was not your fault. At all. And it never will be. I need you to understand that.” Shane looked straight into her eyes that didn’t look away from his, words seeping into her soul and mind. “Okay? It wasn’t your fault.”

“Okay.” Seeping complete.

“Good girl,” Shane squeezed her hand. Felt the little fingers squeeze back. “Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?” She shook her head. “Alright well, I think Nicky wants to watch a movie with you.”

“I like movies!”

“I know you do.” He chuckled. “Come on, silly.”

Shane scooped her up in his arms and walked out. Nicky was sat on the couch, scrolling through his phone with his right hand, the TV remote in his left.

“Done talking?” Nicky was studying him carefully, then looked at ease when Shane smiled at him.

“Done talking.”

“Good, because I want to watch Age of Ultron. Who’s going to watch it with me?”

Nicole gasped and perked up in Shane’s arms. “Me!”

Shane let her down with a laugh and sat down in between the two. Nicky slid his hand in Shane’s and entwined fingers. Felt Shane latch on straightaway. “Are you okay?” Nicky whispered.

“Yeah. Very. I’m sorry about that.” Shane whispered back, a calm contented grin blooming, and turned to eyes that felt like home. He found home. “I’m really in love with you.”

“I’m really in love with you too.” Nicky leaned up to kiss his cheek, then focused on the screen.

Nicole was bouncing in her seat, reciting lines that she had memorised, laughing along, the purest ripples of joy radiating from her precious heart. Nicky laughed along too, leaning his head on Shane’s shoulder and snuggling up to him, Shane occasionally tilting to press a kiss into a flowerbed of hair.

This was definitely the tangible answer to happiness. To life. His whole world was right here, right in his arms, right now.

Shane got to exhale. To be more himself than he had been in a very long time.


End file.
